What it feels like to be exposed in the Ashley Madison data breach

Ashley Madison, a website for would-be adulterers, was hacked in July and its user base was posted online.

Data from around 31 million accounts revealed a lot of sensitive information about the people (mostly men) who used the site, like email addresses, which cities they're from, and their sexual preferences.

The website also had many high-profile clients.

Although not all of the stolen data has been verified, it is an embarrassing event for anyone in a relationship who used the site.

"Since the leak, it's been pretty frustrating," says an anonymous Quora user, who admits both he and his wife were on the site.

"This was a totally consensual part of our relationship and many of the people we spoke to on the site were (or claimed to be) in the same boat," he adds.

The user says that the public reaction to the story, particularly those who believe Ashley Madison users got what they deserved for engaging in taboo behavior, is the hardest part.

"People are incredibly judgmental about each other's sex lives in ways that go beyond even what we'd have imagined," he says.

The full answer to what it feels like to be exposed in the hack is below:

I was on the site, and so was my wife. We've been in an open relationship for years--since before we got married--but it's not something we wanted public for fear of it affecting our careers. We thought about going on other dating sites, but Ashley Madison seemed to hit the sweet spot of large site and demographic with a strong vested interest in anonymity (everyone we know is on OKCupid or Tinder, so we might have problems if we were on a more mainstream site). As it happens, neither of us ended up hooking up with anyone from AM, but we totally would have, we just didn't end up liking those people. We both used burner emails, so we're not immediately searchable, but we also both paid with credit cards, so if someone REALLY wanted to know, obviously they could find out...

Since the leak, it's been pretty frustrating. There's a lot of painting with the same brush that's been going on here--you read a lot about how these cheaters deserved it. OK, maybe they did--the details of why people cheat are often somewhat mitigating, but sure, let's say they deserved it. But we've both really resented the conversation--this was a totally consensual part of our relationship, and many of the people we spoke to on the site were (or claimed to be) in the same boat.

My instinct/hope is that it'll never really come up or be a huge issue, even if the info comes out more publicly, but we've both been really angry about the way it's been discussed, honestly. Tens of millions of people in America were on this site at some point, and I'm sure some number of them were cheating on wonderful people in horrible ways. But there's a pretty broad spectrum here, and everyone's getting painted with the same brush, which feels pretty crazy.

It's also been frustrating when people say stuff like "these people deserved it because they should have realized that nothing is totally secure online." Well, yeah, duh, but EVERYONE does stuff that's private online. Roughly every man in America and 50+% of women have watched porn online--how would people feel if their porn preferences were all posted in a searchable database. "Well, I guess nothing is totally secure online, so I deserve it..." is probably not the answer.

Basically, I'm just aware that the public reaction to this story has confirmed all of the fears that led to my wife and I wanting this to be private in the first place. People are incredibly judgmental about each other's sex lives in ways that go beyond even what we'd have imagined.

The data breach has since led to the resignation of the website's CEO while Avid Life Media, Ashley Madison's parent company, is facing multiple lawsuits for failing to take proper security measures.

Read all of our Ashley Madison coverage here.