A family therapist says the best way for parents to raise successful adults is a little uncomfortable
Paramount Pictures
This is very logical, and very abstract, stuff. But when he visited the Business Insider office in May, marriage and family therapist Hal Runkel helped turn it into concrete advice.
It starts with understanding that you should "give [kids] more freedom than you're comfortable with, earlier than you're comfortable with." What's more, you should "give them choices before they actually ask for them."
Here's how that might play out. Let's say your teenager asks if he can go to a friend's party Sunday night and stay out until 2 a.m. Your best response, according to Runkel, would be: "Well, what do you think?"
(Runkel didn't use the specific example of a party, but this response should work for pretty much anything your kid asks your permission for.)
"Let them wrestle with that," Runkel said. In other words, let your kid put himself in your shoes - i.e. an adult's shoes - and evaluate the pros and cons of staying out all night at a party on a school night.
Because, eventually, that's exactly what your kid will have to do - when he's in college, or when he lands his first job.
"I always counsel parents," Runkel said, "to parent your child in such a way that by the time they're a [high-school] senior, they have no rules from you whatsoever."
It's "like a dress rehearsal for the year after that," Runkel said of senior year of high school. "You have no idea what they're doing from one minute to the next."
Everyone remembers those college freshmen who were so thrilled to be out from under their parents' thumb when they arrived on campus that they overdid it on drinking and partying and under-did it on studying. Presumably, you don't want your kid to be one of those students.
Of course, you should take Runkel's advice with a grain of salt. If your high-school senior decides to spend every school night at a party, for example, you might want to have a discussion with him about his values.
Ultimately, though, it's about guiding your kid through the transition to adulthood, rather than acting like their keeper until they turn 18, at which point you set them loose.
"I'm taking my emotion out of it," Runkel said. "Because I'm wanting you to taste the freedom and responsibility of life."
- I spent $2,000 for 7 nights in a 179-square-foot room on one of the world's largest cruise ships. Take a look inside my cabin.
- Colon cancer rates are rising in young people. If you have two symptoms you should get a colonoscopy, a GI oncologist says.
- Saudi Arabia wants China to help fund its struggling $500 billion Neom megaproject. Investors may not be too excited.
- Catan adds climate change to the latest edition of the world-famous board game
- Tired of blatant misinformation in the media? This video game can help you and your family fight fake news!
- Tired of blatant misinformation in the media? This video game can help you and your family fight fake news!
- JNK India IPO allotment – How to check allotment, GMP, listing date and more
- Indian Army unveils selfie point at Hombotingla Pass ahead of 25th anniversary of Kargil Vijay Diwas
- JNK India IPO allotment date
- JioCinema New Plans
- Realme Narzo 70 Launched
- Apple Let Loose event
- Elon Musk Apology
- RIL cash flows
- Charlie Munger
- Feedbank IPO allotment
- Tata IPO allotment
- Most generous retirement plans
- Broadcom lays off
- Cibil Score vs Cibil Report
- Birla and Bajaj in top Richest
- Nestle Sept 2023 report
- India Equity Market