I had been driving the 2019 Porsche Cayenne Turbo for all of five minutes when I was already making appreciative noises and trying to hold back the whoops in the interest of critical objectivity.
The Cayenne was mind-blowing at 25 mph. It all came rushing back. They laughed at the idea of a Porsche SUV. Then they quit laughing. But still there are openings for jeers. After all, isn't this just a rebadged Volkswagen?
HAHAHAHA! Silence, ye doubters. No, the Cayenne isn't a 911. But is it a Porsche? Sure. Beyond that, however, is so much more. It remains the greatest SUV on the road, and in my view, the greatest SUV ever built by human hands. Perhaps on some undiscovered exoplanet light years from our Big Blue Marble they could sell you a better SUV, but have to pay for it with space money or trade something of value, such as your spare flux capacitor, a 1958 Gibson Les Paul, and free pass for the Kessel Run.
True, the Land Rover Defender is impressive — more so now that a new Defender has been unveiled, updated for the modern age. But the Cayenne does its thing in Porsche fashion on the road while also offering staggering offroad capability — rock-crawling, yes, sort of, but really the kind of high-speed rallying that you would logically subject this machine to.
The Cayenne is simply good, good, and more good, and the top-level Turbo trim is especially delightful, capable of orchestrating a brutal symphony of horsepower from that magnificent 541-horsepower, twin-turbo V8. But that's just one dimension of performance bliss.
You also have the bracing handling, delivered through an intricate orchestration of mega-tech features, ranging from a rooftop spoiler than can adapt to increased speed to rear-axle steering and electro-hydraulic roll stabilization.
It's my policy to avoid getting too deep in this gearheady stuff (my driving is 90% emotion and 10% engineering). But with the Cayenne Turbo, it definitely adds up to an SUV that drives, as it always has, like a Porsche — but with the vehicle's upgrades, now more like a Porsche than ever.
As with most modern luxury cars, the Cayenne has a suite of driver-assist features, including adaptive cruise control and a nice, low-speed, stop-and-go system. These work well, as advertised, but c'mon — this is a Porsche! The urge to take control and do the driving yourself is ever-present. And that's ultimately what separates the Cayenne from some (not all) of the competition.
I could go on, but you get the idea. The Cayenne has been absolutely, shockingly brilliant since it first arrived in the early 2000s. A decade and a half later, same story. The vehicle's magnificence simply increases with time. Our Business Insider road-test crew was basically speechless after a week with the Cayenne Turbo. True, I'm not nuts about the design. Never have been. So what? Design isn't everything.
Is the Cayenne still the finest SUV made by human hands on planet Earth?
Nod quietly, nod respectfully, and accept that unquestionable genius does sometimes happen.
That's why it's a 2019 Car of the Year runner-up.