- My boyfriend and I decided to move in together during the
coronavirus outbreak. - Around a month ago, he was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder, and his medication has yet to take effect.
- I also struggle with my
mental health , and his mood swings take a toll on me. However, I've begun implementing coping strategies to protect myself while still showing him compassion. - I've learned that while
bipolar isn't a choice or a weakness, my own feelings are justified, and it's OK to not feel good about the situation all the time. - Setting boundaries and taking time for ourselves has ensured his illness never feels like a burden, and has made me feel positive about our future together.
- *Names have been changed.
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My boyfriend and I have been in a committed relationship for six months — a period commonly referred to as the "honeymoon phase."
According to studies, we should both be experiencing a rush of euphoria while we discuss plans for the future, and should be relishing every moment we spend together.
This time period usually comes to an end after half of a year. For us, it didn't quite work out that way.
We have our own homes, but with the upsurge in panic surrounding the coronavirus, we made the mutual decision to quarantine at my place around two months ago.
We had already been spending a lot of time together, but suddenly being together 24/7 meant we no longer had the chance to miss eachother — to wait for text messages, or to look forward to a planned date.
He was also in the midst of hypomania — a mild form of traditional mania associated with bipolar 2 disorder — when we agreed to this, though we didn't know it at the time.
Medication isn't effective right away
Joe* was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder around a month ago. In his teenage years, a doctor had diagnosed him with bipolar, but the diagnosis was incorrectly changed to ADHD.
His current psychiatrist prescribed him an antipsychotic, called Abilify, to hopefully regulate his mood. However, this class of medication can take a minimum of six weeks before becoming effective.
Joe's hypomanic episodes tend to last two to four weeks. When he is hypomanic, he is elated, impulsive, energetic, and more loving, though these symptoms vary from person to person.
We've engaged in trivial arguments of all sorts. When he is experiencing hypomania, he directs his anger and hostility my way, even when I've done nothing wrong.
When Joe is experiencing a "low" — the depressive side of this disorder — he becomes capricious and irritable. I can sense the empathic annoyance in his voice, and it stings like the venom of a snake bite.
Having suffered from mental illness myself, battling crippling anxiety and PTSD for over a decade, I know I need to look after myself while still showing him compassion.
I am understanding and supportive, as he is with me — except for when his mood shifts downward. Then, he is unpredictable. I never know if I'll wake up to a cranky boyfriend or good morning kisses.
Bipolar is not a choice, or a weakness
There are many misconceptions about
Bipolar 1 is characterised by manic episodes, depressive episodes, and potentially some psychosis, as Insider's Linsday Dodgson previously reported. Bipolar 2 is a different disorder where the episodes of mania are less severe, often called hypomania.
Psychiatrist Dion Metzger, MD told Insider: "People should know bipolar disorder can impair a person's everyday life as much as (or more than) physical illnesses. Similar to physical ailments, bipolar is not a choice or a weakness."
She added that when people refer to a moody person as "bipolar," it "minimizes the importance of how severe and dangerous (impulsivity, suicide, irritability, etc.) symptoms of any form of bipolar disorder can be."
"The biggest misunderstanding about people with this diagnosis is that they're incapable of having healthy romantic relationships," she added.
"I've seen many of my patients flourish in partnerships, including marriage, after they're properly treated with medication management and therapy."
I know that my own feelings are valid
Normally, Joe and I have been afforded the solace of alone when we've been working through issues, but he and I have been together 24/7 for two months now. We argue more and our level of frustration is elevating. When Joe's mood shifts, I sink deeper into my own depression.
While I try to be understanding, I sometimes wonder if I'm entitled to be upset with my boyfriend, even though I know his actions are a direct result of this condition.
When Joe's words or tone of voice are hurtful, I often wonder if I'm allowed to take it personally. Is it fair for me to be disappointed or sad, considering our unique situation?
I tiptoe around Joe, living in fear of triggering his less pleasant symptoms. As a highly sensitive person, I'm also terrified of him criticizing me — I know he never intentionally hurts my feelings, nor does he find gratification in it, but I've learned that intent doesn't make negative behavior acceptable, or mean I'm not allowed to be upset about it.
I've started to understand that, as much as I care about my boyfriend, my own thoughts and feelings are justified.
Haley Neidich, Psychotherapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker, told Insider: "Your feelings are always valid and having a mental
She added: "Both partners need to be fully dedicated to making sure that they are understanding the needs of the other person, and that they are capable of being respectful.
"Having a mental health condition is not an excuse for treating a partner with anything less than the respect and consideration they deserve."
Matt Lundquist, a relationship therapist and founder of Tribeca Therapy, recently told Insider's Julia Naftulin that the best way you can protect your mental health is to remind yourself that you're someone's partner, not a martyr.
"The last thing folks struggling want is others around them to ignore their own needs or pity them," Lundquist said.
I can't fix him, because he isn't broken
I've always been a "fixer." I want to help people fix their problems.
But bipolar disorder isn't a problem — it's a mental illness. I can't fix that, nor do I need to.
"Given how new the diagnosis and medication are, a partner cannot be responsible for helping another partner through that initial phase," Neidich said. "Our job is to put our mental health first."
Joe has to be proactive and continuously seek help. He's agreed to incorporate exercise into his daily routine to increase the release of endorphins — something he once loved to do.
Once the dust settles, he wants to engage in weekly therapy, and he always takes his medications as prescribed. I admire his motivation to improve the state of his mental wellbeing.
I know he needs a support system set in place, and I'm willing to patiently wait for him to find the correct regimen of medications and a psychotherapist. I have faith in him.
Many times, he has cried his eyes out, relaying to me how desperately he wants to be better. Feel better.
I hold him, console him, and remind him medication takes a bit of time to work. My support encourages him to keep trucking on.
I've had to set boundaries for myself
However, for myself, I know I need to set boundaries and stick with them.
Neidich told Insider: "People who are in a relationship wherein one or both individuals are dealing with a mental health condition require a great amount of work around boundaries."
She recommended weekly ongoing individual psychotherapy in addition to weekly couples counseling.
My personal therapist suggested the same for us, adding that the earlier we are able to mend resentments and communicate with an objective party present, the more likely we are to succeed in our relationship.
Many therapists are starting to agree that starting couples therapy within the first six months is proactive and beneficial.
I also engage in weekly teletherapy sessions every Tuesday. My own therapy sessions are a place for me to vent, ask for my therapist's opinions on my relationship, and listen to her advice. The combination of therapy and medication aids me in being the best version of myself.
I'm fortunate to have that outlet, as not everyone does.
Neidich also suggested that a couple in our situation should be spending at least 50% of their time separated.
"At this given moment of time, that may mean having headphones on in the same room," she said.
In the morning, I spend several hours writing and then I practice yoga.
I plan to visit my family more often, by myself, once it is safe to leave my house.
I've also stopped following Joe around the house when he's having a mood swing — it has only escalated the situation in the past. I now allow him room to breathe, think, and self-soothe.
This has already started to improve the quality of our relationship. When he is ready to communicate, he knows I'm here.
"Spend at least half of your days focusing on your own projects," Neidich said. "When he is having a hard time, I would let him work it out on his own rather than trying to fix it for him."
"This means agreeing ahead of time that you will be disengaging when there is a mood swing."
Despite how it impacts our relationship, his illness never feels like a burden
There are times when Joe storms downstairs in the midst of a tantrum or argument, and more often than not, I'm clueless as to why he's mad in the first place.
On these nights where we lay on opposite corners of my bed in the late evening, I crave his affection and my anxiety skyrockets until I eventually fall asleep.
In these moments, I close my eyes and practice the breathing exercises I've learned in therapy and yoga classes, while Joe sits upright playing video games on his cell phone.
Despite everything, Joe and I have shared beautiful moments, both during isolation and before the outbreak — snuggling up on the couch and watching TV, falling asleep together, and laughing often.
Joe is full of genuine compliments that make me feel special. If I'm craving brownies or cheesecake, he bakes me dessert — any kind that I desire. The smile on my face when I devour that first bite makes cooking worthwhile, he says.
I know that Joe and I can have a healthy relationship, though he won't be able to stop the tedious process of bettering himself.
I also know that I can't fix him, but I can support him. I realize I won't always feel good about the situation, and that's OK.
"My patients will often feel like they're taking steps backward in their treatment if they see bad thoughts re-emerge," Metzger said. "It's okay and just a speed bump in the road towards getting better, not a dead end."
Read more:
These are the most common misconceptions of bipolar disorder, according to someone who lives with it
This is what it's like to be bipolar
There are two types of bipolar disorder — here's how they're different
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