I tried to order 9 things from McDonald's 'secret menu' - but it was a much bigger challenge than I expected

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BIG MCCHICKEN: I started with the Big McChicken. Traditionally, three McChicken patties replace the buns in a Big Mac. I only had two to work with.

BIG MCCHICKEN: I started with the Big McChicken. Traditionally, three McChicken patties replace the buns in a Big Mac. I only had two to work with.

Big Mac: $5.89

Three x McChicken Patty: $4.50

Total cost: $10.49 plus tax

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If you think buns are pointless and would be so much better if they were fried chicken, then the Big McChicken is for you.

If you think buns are pointless and would be so much better if they were fried chicken, then the Big McChicken is for you.
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I liked this one. The crunch of the crispy McChicken patty links arms with the tang of the signature Big Mac sauce for a surprisingly tasty, albeit messy, protein-packed sandwich. Worth upwards of $10.00? You decide.

I liked this one. The crunch of the crispy McChicken patty links arms with the tang of the signature Big Mac sauce for a surprisingly tasty, albeit messy, protein-packed sandwich. Worth upwards of $10.00? You decide.

POOR MAN'S BIG MAC: This was the only item I didn’t have to alter at all, because it’s just a McDouble with special sauce. You can hold or leave the pickles.

POOR MAN'S BIG MAC: This was the only item I didn’t have to alter at all, because it’s just a McDouble with special sauce. You can hold or leave the pickles.

McDouble with Mac Sauce: $2.99

Total cost: $2.99 plus tax

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I left them on because I like flavor.

I left them on because I like flavor.

It was pleasant. Soft, fluffy, but mostly bun. The signature sauce added some flavor, but didn’t quite take the McDouble to the level of a Big Mac.

It was pleasant. Soft, fluffy, but mostly bun. The signature sauce added some flavor, but didn’t quite take the McDouble to the level of a Big Mac.
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GRILLED CHEESE: Possibly the most pointless item to enter McDonald's secret menu canon, the grilled cheese is literally a cheeseburger without the burger. Since McDonald’s is behind on the meatless burger game, this might unfortunately still be one of the more appealing vegetarian options ...

GRILLED CHEESE: Possibly the most pointless item to enter McDonald's secret menu canon, the grilled cheese is literally a cheeseburger without the burger. Since McDonald’s is behind on the meatless burger game, this might unfortunately still be one of the more appealing vegetarian options ...

Cheeseburger, no meat: $1.99

Total cost: $1.99 plus tax

... or maybe just one of the only ones.

... or maybe just one of the only ones.
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If a slice of American cheese sandwiched between two dry, sugary buns is your idea of a satisfying meal, then by all means, go for the grilled cheese. But at the same price as a cheeseburger, the grilled cheese doesn't provide much bang for your buck.

If a slice of American cheese sandwiched between two dry, sugary buns is your idea of a satisfying meal, then by all means, go for the grilled cheese. But at the same price as a cheeseburger, the grilled cheese doesn't provide much bang for your buck.

MC10:35 A.M.: RIP standardized all-day breakfast at McDonald's. During the brief, glorious period during which a standard breakfast menu was served all day, you could add an egg to any Mickey D burger for an extra protein punch. Now it's up to the franchisees to decide which items they'll serve for all-day breakfast, which is how the Mc10:35 a.m. — a combination McGriddle and McDouble — earns its name.

MC10:35 A.M.: RIP standardized all-day breakfast at McDonald's. During the brief, glorious period during which a standard breakfast menu was served all day, you could add an egg to any Mickey D burger for an extra protein punch. Now it's up to the franchisees to decide which items they'll serve for all-day breakfast, which is how the Mc10:35 a.m. — a combination McGriddle and McDouble — earns its name.

McDouble: $2.99

McGriddle buns: $1.99

Total: $4.98 plus tax

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You’ll most likely have to return to the ways of the ancestors and arrive exactly at the breakfast-lunch switch-over period — around 10:35 — in order to get the components for this. I was given two plain McGriddle buns instead of a McGriddle with egg and Canadian bacon, so this sandwich ended up being not quite right.

You’ll most likely have to return to the ways of the ancestors and arrive exactly at the breakfast-lunch switch-over period — around 10:35 — in order to get the components for this. I was given two plain McGriddle buns instead of a McGriddle with egg and Canadian bacon, so this sandwich ended up being not quite right.

Sweet, salty, but somehow dry, it was hard to swallow. Next time, I’ll make sure I have the right McGriddle.

Sweet, salty, but somehow dry, it was hard to swallow. Next time, I’ll make sure I have the right McGriddle.
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CHICKEN MCGRIDDLE: A McChicken sandwiched between two halves of a McGriddle, the sweet-and-savory Chicken McGriddle can be ordered during the breakfast-lunch switch-over period, or at any franchise that serves the McGriddle as part of its all-day breakfast menu.

CHICKEN MCGRIDDLE: A McChicken sandwiched between two halves of a McGriddle, the sweet-and-savory Chicken McGriddle can be ordered during the breakfast-lunch switch-over period, or at any franchise that serves the McGriddle as part of its all-day breakfast menu.

Sausage, Egg, and Cheese McGriddle: $4.29

McChicken Patty: $1.50 OR 4-piece Chicken McNuggets: $1

Total cost: $5.79 or $5.29, plus tax

I was given chicken nuggets instead of a McChicken for this one, so I tucked two of those little suckers between the egg and the sausage.

I was given chicken nuggets instead of a McChicken for this one, so I tucked two of those little suckers between the egg and the sausage.
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This hit all the right notes: sweet and savory, fluffy and crunchy. This DIY chicken-and-waffles proxy was by far my favorite of all the items. I would not say no to a Chicken McGriddle. I’d probably even let someone bribe me with one.

This hit all the right notes: sweet and savory, fluffy and crunchy. This DIY chicken-and-waffles proxy was by far my favorite of all the items. I would not say no to a Chicken McGriddle. I’d probably even let someone bribe me with one.

MONSTER MAC: When I asked the manager for a Monster Mac, she had no clue what I was talking about. When I explained that it was a Big Mac with eight patties, she was not happy. "You’re going to have to put that together yourself," I was told. No arguments there.

MONSTER MAC: When I asked the manager for a Monster Mac, she had no clue what I was talking about. When I explained that it was a Big Mac with eight patties, she was not happy. "You’re going to have to put that together yourself," I was told. No arguments there.

4 x Big Mac: $23.56

Total: $23.56 plus tax

Note: this does not take into consideration the current two-for-$6 Mix and Match deal at McDonald's, which reduces the price to $12 plus tax. Prices may vary from franchise to franchise.

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Once I assembled this beefy Frankenstein, I was faced with a new problem: how to fit it in my mouth. A Monster Mac done right has more sauce and toppings. Since this was such a DIY situation, the resulting creature was just very dry, very meaty, and definitely not worth the hefty price tag.

Once I assembled this beefy Frankenstein, I was faced with a new problem: how to fit it in my mouth. A Monster Mac done right has more sauce and toppings. Since this was such a DIY situation, the resulting creature was just very dry, very meaty, and definitely not worth the hefty price tag.

LAND, SEA, AND AIR BURGER: The Land, Sea, and Air was another burger that made the manager lose patience with me. I happily agreed to put this one together myself.

LAND, SEA, AND AIR BURGER: The Land, Sea, and Air was another burger that made the manager lose patience with me. I happily agreed to put this one together myself.

Filet-o-Fish: $4.49

Big Mac: $5.89

McChicken: $1.50

Total cost: $11.88 plus tax

Note: This does not take into consideration the current two-for-$6 Mix and Match deal at McDonald's, which reduces the price to $7.50 plus tax. Prices may vary from franchise to franchise.

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I opened up a Big Mac and put the patties from a McChicken and a Filet-O-Fish inside. "Air" on top, "land" in the middle, and "sea" on the bottom.

I opened up a Big Mac and put the patties from a McChicken and a Filet-O-Fish inside. "Air" on top, "land" in the middle, and "sea" on the bottom.

Another doozy for the ol' burger hole. This one required two bites to get all the flavors of the land, sea, and air in one mouthful. But I was surprised by how much I actually enjoyed the burger. It's not trying to be surf and turf. It one-ups it by pairing bread-y crunch with a light and heavy protein combo. Worth the money? If the mix-and-match deal is on the table, then yes.

Another doozy for the ol' burger hole. This one required two bites to get all the flavors of the land, sea, and air in one mouthful. But I was surprised by how much I actually enjoyed the burger. It's not trying to be surf and turf. It one-ups it by pairing bread-y crunch with a light and heavy protein combo. Worth the money? If the mix-and-match deal is on the table, then yes.
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MCGANGBANG: I apologized to the manager before I ordered the McGangBang. Naturally, this was another DIY situation.

MCGANGBANG: I apologized to the manager before I ordered the McGangBang. Naturally, this was another DIY situation.

McDouble: $2.99

McChicken: $1.50

Total cost: $4.49 plus tax

Spread out two halves of a McDouble, insert a McChicken, and you get a McGangBang.

Spread out two halves of a McDouble, insert a McChicken, and you get a McGangBang.
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Yum. Very savory. The chicken was the star of the show, with the beef patties providing a meaty backdrop for its salty crunch. However, the flavors weren't that complex. It could have used more sauce.

Yum. Very savory. The chicken was the star of the show, with the beef patties providing a meaty backdrop for its salty crunch. However, the flavors weren't that complex. It could have used more sauce.

MCCREPE: I was initially skeptical of the McCrepe, but assembling it did allow me to flex my culinary creativity. I divided a Fruit 'N Yogurt parfait into three folded and buttered hotcakes, drizzled syrup over them, and sprinkled granola on top.

MCCREPE: I was initially skeptical of the McCrepe, but assembling it did allow me to flex my culinary creativity. I divided a Fruit 'N Yogurt parfait into three folded and buttered hotcakes, drizzled syrup over them, and sprinkled granola on top.

Hotcakes: $3.69

Fruit 'N Yogurt Parfait: $1.99

Total cost: $5.69 plus tax

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Et voilà!

Et voilà!

As someone whose sweet tooth is mild at best, I was stunned by how much I enjoyed these. Fluffy, sweet, and fruity, the crunch from the granola and moisture from the syrup made for a perfectly balanced end to a topsy-turvy meal. At around $6, it's probably less than you'd pay for an actual crepe.

As someone whose sweet tooth is mild at best, I was stunned by how much I enjoyed these. Fluffy, sweet, and fruity, the crunch from the granola and moisture from the syrup made for a perfectly balanced end to a topsy-turvy meal. At around $6, it's probably less than you'd pay for an actual crepe.
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The McDonald's secret menu is as real as you're willing to make it — because McDonald's probably won't make it for you. While I wasn't able to get any of the most famous secret menu items ready-made for me, it was an adventure assembling them according to the legend. But like any legend, the secret menu ended up being more hype than substance. I’ll probably just stick to a McChicken and fries next time.

The McDonald's secret menu is as real as you're willing to make it — because McDonald's probably won't make it for you. While I wasn't able to get any of the most famous secret menu items ready-made for me, it was an adventure assembling them according to the legend. But like any legend, the secret menu ended up being more hype than substance. I’ll probably just stick to a McChicken and fries next time.