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A 'nesting' divorce, where the kids stay in the same house and my ex and I take turns staying there, minimized the chaos of separation

Cordelia Newlin   

A 'nesting' divorce, where the kids stay in the same house and my ex and I take turns staying there, minimized the chaos of separation
  • My ex-husband and I decided to try nesting when we separated.
  • Our kids stay in the family home and we take turns moving in and out.

When my ex and I decided to separate, our primary concern was our kids' well-being. We wanted to make sure we did what we could to minimize disruptions to their daily lives. Nesting — where the kids stay in the family home, and parents are the ones packing up and changing house — was the obvious choice for us.

But we didn't just keep the kids in the home they were used to and move ourselves in and out. We also made other intentional choices to make sure the transition was as smooth as possible.

We gave our kids time to get used to the idea before we began nesting

A pediatric therapist advised us to tell our kids with two weeks' notice before the actual move. She emphasized the importance of giving them some time to process, but not so much that they may experience anxiety around the impending event. We spent time working out how we wanted to tell them. We wanted to emphasize how we are still a family even though their father and I were no longer romantically involved. We reminded them how much we both loved them and how we still cared for and respected each other. We also prepared a lengthy list of questions they might ask and made sure we were on the same page regarding the answers. (However, we did drink some wine before breaking the news to make it a little easier on ourselves.)

Keeping our kids in one place means their routines aren't disrupted

First off, the kids stay in their same "zen dens," which is what we call their bedrooms. Same bed, same pillow and blankets, same everything. Whether you have toddlers or teenagers, kids often go through stages where sleep may not come easily. Having one routine and one secure place to rest their heads helps avoid disrupting their rest.

The girls' wake up and travel times to school and activities don't change. Knowing I could move out of the city and stay with my mom for my "off days" was a relief. It helps keep my expenses down, and since they stay in the city, they don't have any long commutes. Any arranged transportation, like school buses or carpooling, remains the same.

We don't have to worry about them leaving things behind

Our nesting arrangement has meant we avoid a lot of the challenges other divorced parents face. The biggest advantage is nothing gets left at the "other" house. Sports gear, chargers, school assignments, and meds are always where they need to be. One of our kids is asthmatic, the other has terrible allergies. There is no need to double up and we avoid unnecessary aggravations over misplaced items.

In a fun twist of fate, being the one who has to change houses regularly forced me to organize my life better. No longer could I fly by the seat of my pants. I needed to know I had packed my laptop, cellphone charger, night guard, menstrual cup, and all those other small things you assume are in the immediate vicinity.

Our daughters like that their lives haven't changed much

Both my daughters said they were initially disappointed by the fact they wouldn't each get a second room, but two years on, they both agree that staying in the same house is way easier, particularly as their father travels a lot and our custody days fluctuate all the time.

"I think I'd end up forgetting my homework, and I'd hate being apart from my pets," my eldest, who is really attached to her critters, both furry and scaled, said. The only one who continues to resent the arrangement is our sweet bulldog Maddie, who hates to see my suitcase come out.

Both kids have also come to the conclusion that life is mostly the same. Neither seemed to remember that they were calling and messaging me constantly the first few months, having been accustomed to having access to Mama 24/7.

That initial challenge was also hard for me. I felt guilty I couldn't be there for them, but with hindsight, I see how their relationship with their father has flourished as a result. That new bond is the unexpected gift we didn't foresee but has helped make all our work and sacrifices worthwhile.



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