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I can't stop pulling out my own hair. I've tried to hide my bald spots with hats and wigs, but nothing helps with my shame.

Celeste Yvonne   

I can't stop pulling out my own hair. I've tried to hide my bald spots with hats and wigs, but nothing helps with my shame.
LifeScience3 min read
  • I struggle with trichotillomania, a disorder that has me pulling my own hair out.
  • I've tried to hide my bald spots with wigs and hats, but the shame caused by this condition is huge.

When Amy Schumer shared her lifelong secret struggle with trichotillomania in a recent interview, I nodded in solidarity. I, too, know the secretiveness and shame that come with this hair-pulling disorder.

I started pulling the hairs out of my eyelashes and eyebrows when I was a child, strand by strand so I could look at each individually or touch the hair to my mouth — the more texture, the better. Rolling the hair through my fingers felt immensely stimulating, but nothing brought me more euphoria than the pull of the strand itself.

Over time, my habits directed me to certain spots on my scalp where the sensation of the pull and the thickness of the hair felt just right. By high school, I was wearing hair clips over my growing bald spots and sitting in the back of the classroom to avoid attention to my behavior.

I throw away the evidence but can't hide my bald spots

Trichotillomania — also called "trich" — is a compulsive behavior disorder that affects up to 3.5% of the population. A form of obsessive-compulsive behavior, it resides in the same behavioral family as severe nail-biting and skin-picking. For some, the compulsion passes over time, but for many, it is a lifetime experience. There is no "cure," and there is little known about the compulsion other than its links to anxiety, hormones, and genetic disposition.

Even as I write this, a nest of hair rests on the floor by my chair, ready to be swept up and thrown in the trash. Shame and self-loathing trickle into every pluck, pick, and pull, and while I cannot hide the bald patches on my scalp, I am diligent to throw away the evidence.

Nothing has helped me stop

I've tried everything to curb the behavior, from over-the-counter supplements to hypnotherapy to bracelets that buzz every time you start to pull. Nothing helped. My loved ones have tried to help by alerting me when I do it, as it's often an automatic response when I'm watching television or driving, but their callouts leave me feeling more ashamed than relieved.

A therapist once told me it was a harmless habit, but I would beg to differ.

I've been called out by strangers for pulling my hair in public. One time, on a bus in Spain, a woman shouted I was "crazy." I had a hairdresser call over all her coworkers to look at my scalp. I've spent years of my life in wigs or hats, hiding or deflecting from my noticeable bald spots.

The shame that this mental disorder causes is more harmful than you might think.

Now, as a parent, every time I see my young children play or tug at their hair, my heart stops and my stomach drops. Please, not them too. While this disorder may not be dangerous to those around them, it does cause immense internal harm that I never want for my children.

But if my kids do carry the disposition for trich, as I do, I also want to speak openly about what this is to help end the stigma and shame that 5 to 10 million Americans carry, so people like me, Schumer, and other celebrities who have spoken about it, such as Olivia Munn and Colin Firth, do not have to carry trich as a shameful secret.

Celeste Yvonne is a popular writer and personality who writes about all things parenting. Celeste's writing resonates with mothers everywhere, and she speaks with a candor and honesty that is unusual in this world of filters. Find her at www.andwhatamom.com.

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