Although this is a relationship issue in other areas, inflated tech salaries exacerbate this problem. According to Hired, the average tech salary in San Francisco is $142,000.
Szekely explained that the person working in tech is usually the main provider, especially if the couple has children. Because of the work culture in the tech world, that person likely has to work long hours and bring their work home with them, while care work falls to the other person, usually a woman. This often leads to a gap, Szekely says, where the partner who doesn't work in tech questions if they are fulfilled compared to the person more focused on their career.
"Many people who work in the tech world tend to be very logical, so when it comes to personal relationships, they don't have language skills" Szekely said. He works to help patients learn how to step out of "work mode" so they can express what they feel and want.
Szekely said that in his experience it's more often men who have issues with communication, but women can also experience issues communicating.
Silicon Valley has many people not born in the US, or who are first-generation immigrants. Szekely says that if couples are from different cultures, there are ways that they can miss each other based on assumptions from how they were raised.
"'What does it mean to be a partner? How do I relate to my family of origin? What do you do with kids?' You take these ideas for granted, but when you meet someone from a different culture they can create misunderstandings," according to Szekely.
He noted that even couples from the same culture can experience this issue if one person is more "Americanized" than the other.
This is another issue in relationships anywhere, but Szekely noted that in Silicon Valley more so than in other more traditional places, having children is not necessarily the default. Couples have to communicate with each other to make a decision.
Szekely explained that working in tech can provide more opportunities for affairs than in the past, and more than other industries.
Long hours and constant communication can foster closeness with coworkers, and work trips offer opportunism, Szekely said.
He advises clients to set boundaries with their partners about what is okay, what is flirting, and where they draw the line, before an affair ever happens.
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