When it comes to parenting, everyone's got an opinion on everything, from breast versus bottle to how much screen time a child gets (if any), and whether or not it's traumatic to let a baby "cry it out." Much like the issue of women's participation in the sex industry, the mommy wars have pit woman against woman, and mommy shaming is rampant.
You'd think — having been unfairly judged my entire adult life — I'd have learned how to tune out unfair criticism. Instead, as a former sex worker turned momma, I initially struggled with fear that I wasn't doing it right, and guilt anytime I felt anything less than ecstatic. I had everything I always wanted, and so I often thought, I ought to be happy.
While current and former sex workers are uniquely scrutinized, I suspect most women with children are far too influenced by the myth of the perfect mother, an idealization increasingly out of reach. We moms struggle. Yet anytime we express anything less than absolute contentment, we are told to "Be grateful" and "Enjoy every second" because "The days are long but the years are short and they grow up so fast."
Moms don't want sentimentality, bunches of flowers, and brunch one day a year. Like sex workers, we want legislative victories that protect our rights and afford us more freedoms. We want freedom from pregnancy discrimination and more family-friendly workplaces. Give us affordable childcare options and tax credits to support full-time parenting, so that moms like me truly have a choice whether we return to work or stay home with our kids. In the meantime, we want commiserations from other women in the trenches and practical strategies for surviving the years.
Most of all, give us space to make sense of our experiences.
Over a decade ago, I found the courage to face society's misconceptions and talk openly about my experiences in the sex industry. These days, in spite of the risk I'll be cast as a bad mother, I am honest about my experiences as a mother. But for my provocative history, I am in every way your typical wife and mom: relatively satisfied, grateful, #blessed ... but also overworked and exhausted, burnt out, under constant surveillance, and yet utterly invisible, just as I felt when I sold sex.