The 2 kinds of relationship secrets you should never talk about with friends

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Knowing whether the partner-related topic you want to bring up with your pals is fair game or off limits can be difficult to discern.

• When you need to vent about problems in your life, you likely turn to your partner, your closest confidante, to let off some steam. But what if you want to talk about your partner to someone else?
• Off-limits topics vary between couples, but it's always best to err on the side of caution or simply ask them before sharing a potentially private bit of information with someone else.
• Generally, any topic that you know will make your partner feel vulnerable and exposed is worth keeping between the two of you, like traumatic childhood memories or certain details about your sex life.
• If you're afraid to discuss your relationship with your friends at all, that could be a red flag about your partner.
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When you need to vent about problems in your life, you likely turn to your partner, your closest confidante, to let off some steam. But what if you want to talk about your partner to someone else, either to vent, for advice, or simply because a conversation brings up something about them only you would know?

Knowing whether the partner-related topic you want to discuss is fair game or off limits can be difficult to discern.

Off-limits topics vary from couple to couple, since different people have different privacy needs, but generally, any topic that you know will make your partner feel vulnerable and exposed is worth keeping between the two of you, Dr. Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist and faculty member at Columbia University, told Business Insider.

"If your partner gets emotional at movies about dogs, it may be cute to joke about it with a friend, but anything that involves childhood memories, inner thoughts or secrets, or details or your sex life should not be public knowledge," Hafeez said.

Here's how to tell if what you're about to let slip is safe to share, or better off kept to yourself.

Any topic that might make them feel embarrassed or ashamed should be kept private

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Discussions around money, sex, in-laws, substance abuse, and cheating should be kept private unless your partner says otherwise.

Sometimes, your partner may explicitly say they don't want you to share a specific thought or detail they divulged to you. In those cases, it's obvious that you shouldn't tell your friends or family, no matter how close you are.

In most cases though, deciding whether a topic is off-limits for sharing isn't so cut-and-dry. According to Tribeca Therapy therapist Kelly Scott, it all boils down to having compassion for your partner's situation, whatever that might be.

"You don't want them to feel embarrassed," Scott told Business Insider. If you're reluctant to share because the idea of doing so brings up shame, it's a sign you shouldn't be discussing that information outside of your relationship.

Typically, discussions around money, sex, in-laws, substance abuse, and cheating should be kept private unless your partner says otherwise, Scott said. If you're unsure whether it's alright to share with friends, you should ask your partner first or simply refrain, she added.

Read more: The 5 steps all couples need to take if they want to repair their relationship after cheating

If you don't exercise caution, it could make your partner feel like they can't trust you, and trust is essential for a healthy and happy relationship.

Proceed with caution before discussing a topic that could change how the person listening views your partner

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Consider how your friends' knowledge of those details could change their perspective of your partner.

Before you vent to your friend about your relationship woes, Scott said you should also consider how your friends' knowledge of those details could change their perspective of your partner and in turn affect your relationship with your friend.

"Don't make it impossible for your friends to be around your partner based on what you tell them," Scott said.

Read more: The 2 types of fights that can end your relationship, according to therapists

You should also consider the friend or family member you want to talk to, especially if it's about a relationship problem. If you know the person is quick to judge or already isn't a huge fan of your partner, it could mean they aren't the right person to share those delicate details with.

Rather, Scott recommended having these types of vulnerable conversations with someone close to you who also knows your partner somewhat well, or someone you're certain won't judge your relationship based on one problem you're going through.

If you're unsure who that person is in your life, you could also consider seeing a therapist.

It's a red flag if you feel like you can't talk about your relationship at all

Exercising caution is important when it comes to spilling the beans about your partner's personal life, but if your partner seems overly cautious or controlling when it comes to talking about your relationship with others, that could be a huge red flag.

"We all have our people we turn to to discuss our problems and need to be able to do that," Scott said, adding that if you partner says you can't do that from time to tine, they could be a manipulative person.

"Controlling people present options not from a mutual win-win but instead to satisfy their own needs," relationship expert and founder of LoveQuest Coaching Lisa Concepcion previously told Insider. "So they'll tell stories as to why you would be seen as a great partner or judged favorably if you just did or said XYZ. They dangle the reward to get the response they want."

If you notice this behavior from your partner often, it could be time to reevaluate your relationship altogether.