A wedding therapist says you should ask yourself 2 questions if you're having cold feet before your wedding

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A wedding therapist says you should ask yourself 2 questions if you're having cold feet before your wedding
Cold feet might be a sign of something more. Crystal Cox/Insider
  • Pre-wedding jitters are common, but they can also mean you aren't with the right person.
  • A wedding therapist recommends asking yourself if there's a pattern of issues in your relationship.

Feeling nervous about your wedding is so common that there are multiple nicknames for it: cold feet, pre-wedding jitters, or second thoughts.

Landis Bejar, a wedding therapist and the founder of AisleTalk, told Insider that it's normal for people to get nervous before their weddings because marriage is "a major life transition."

"If we're starting a new job, if we're leaving an old job, if we're moving, if we're having a child, we get nervous. We just don't call it cold feet," Bejar said.

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But sometimes your nerves can indicate you're not ready to get married or you're with the wrong person, and it's hard to tell the difference between real concerns and change-driven anxiety.

Bejar says asking yourself if you were worried about dynamics in your relationship or your partner's behavior before you got engaged can help you determine the source of your concerns.

A wedding therapist says you should ask yourself 2 questions if you're having cold feet before your wedding
It's normal to be nervous before your wedding. Joaquin Corbalan P/Shutterstock

"One big question that I feel like is really helpful to ask is, 'Did I feel this way at any point in the relationship before, or is it specific to this moment?'" Bejar told Insider. "Have there been moments throughout the relationship where you felt concerned about these things?"

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If you've had repeated worries about something about your partner, your concern might be more than just pre-wedding anxiety.

She then suggests you ask yourself if the thing you are worried about is something that would really impact your relationship or your sense of self.

"When you're engaged, certain things that were irritating before become really scary and worrisome about the future," she said. "Everybody does something that's irritating, and it might just feel really intense when you're engaged."

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It's likely those little things won't matter to you in the same way after you're married, even if there is something your partner does frequently that bothers you a bit, like leaving their shoes in the middle of the floor or running late.

But if you believe the things you're concerned about could truly lead to a breakdown of your relationship or damage your sense of identity, you might want to pay more attention to them.

A wedding therapist says you should ask yourself 2 questions if you're having cold feet before your wedding
Most people are more emotional during their engagements. Getty Images

Bejar says it's important to remember that you're likely going to be more emotional during your engagement as you examine your worries.

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"It is a time of heightened emotion," Bejar said of engagement. "So you want to listen to your emotions, but you don't want to let it run away with you and make decisions that you don't feel good about."

She also told Insider that the best thing couples can do if they're nervous before their weddings is to talk about it together.

"At the end of the day, the most healthy thing to do is talk about those things with your partner," she said.

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You'll likely feel better getting your worries off your chest, and your partner is probably feeling the same way.

"Be honest and create a culture where all feelings are OK," Bejar said.

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