A wedding therapist says you shouldn't have to deal with setting boundaries for your in-laws by yourself
- It's common for people to have issues with their in-laws.
wedding therapisttold Insider it's best to let your partner address issues with your in-laws.
Joining a new
It's important to address issues with your in-laws, particularly if they are negatively impacting your
But she also said it's important to approach your in-laws in the right way.
Start by setting boundaries with your in-laws
As Bejar told Insider, boundary setting is a crucial part of conflict resolution in any situation.
"Boundary setting is so important when it comes to working with anyone who's difficult," Bejar said. "I always say boundaries are the place at which I can love both you and myself simultaneously."
"You cannot actually offer love and care towards that person if your boundaries are being pushed all the time," she went on to say. "We need to find where our boundary is and set it so that we can actually show up for that person if we want to."
By focusing on boundaries, you can address your issues with your in-laws, or anyone else, from a loving place.
And as Bejar told Insider, boundaries will look different for different people.
"They can be physical or geographic boundaries. Some people set boundaries with their families, and they live across the world from them. That is a boundary," she said. "Sometimes those boundaries have to be verbal or emotional."
Bejar recommends that you don't try to set boundaries with your in-laws by yourself.
It's often better if you let your partner take the lead on boundary setting with in-laws
It might be your instinct to address your issues with your in-laws on your own, but Bejar told Insider it might be better to defer to your partner.
"I like to encourage couples to lean on the child of the in-laws," Bejar said. "In some families, it's really not appropriate for the daughter or son-in-law to speak directly to the mother-in-law about this type of boundary setting."
It's often better for the child of the in-laws to take the lead with boundary setting because they have an established relationship with their parents, as Bejar told Insider.
"They know that person better than you do, so they can give you pointers on what will be effective," she said. "And second, they have a more direct relationship with them. If they are taking the lead on the boundary setting, that message might be received better than if it's just coming from an in-law."
For instance, if you tell your mother-in-law you only want her to come to your home twice a month, she might feel like you aren't welcoming her into your family. However, if you told your mother the same thing, she would have a better understanding of the reasons you want your own space and time with your partner.
If you and your partner discuss your boundaries and the best way to create them together, it will most likely be easier to get the resolution you want, Bejar said.
"Can you help me set them? Can you help me enforce them?" Bejar suggests asking your partner. "Can you be on the same page with me about how we want to set them? And can you be on the same page with me about how it's impacting me?"
Approaching your in-laws as a united front will help you both.
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