I'm a working mom in NYC whose family is functioning better than ever during the quarantine - here's how I've partnered with my husband to share the load

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I'm a working mom in NYC whose family is functioning better than ever during the quarantine - here's how I've partnered with my husband to share the load
Melissa Petro husband baby
  • Melissa Petro is a freelance writer living in New York City with her husband and their two small kids.
  • She's struggled for years to contribute financially to her family, while also shouldering most of the childcare and domestic responsibilities because her husband was at work.
  • Now that the family is "sheltering in place" and both parents are trying to work remotely, her family is functioning better than ever.
  • She and her husband are better able to divide the workload fairly, using a calendar to track tasks.
  • Visit Business Insider's homepage for more stories.

With schools and daycare facilities shuttered, moms are doing more than their fair share.

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This is according to a national poll conducted late last month by the Kaiser Family Foundation, which found parents of children under 18 are disproportionately likely to say their lives have been disrupted by the coronavirus outbreak, and moms are reporting that they've been hit the hardest.

Mothers in heterosexual households say they're scaling back their work hours to accommodate the needs of their male partners, and shouldering childcare responsibilities and homeschooling in addition to their "real" jobs. At the same time, their household responsibilities have also gotten bigger: Women are working even harder to keep the home organized and germ-free; they're bearing the invisible labor of sourcing supplies to keep their households functioning; they're meal planning with less, and cooking and serving their family three meals instead of one.

Today's situation is unlike anything any of us have ever experienced - and yet, for a lot of us, this unequal division of labor is nothing new. To be sure, who contributes what has been a longtime frustration in my household.

As a woman who was economically coerced into scaling back my career to "stay at home" with my children, I've struggled for years to care for my family and also contribute financially. I work because my work is fulfilling, but mostly because my family needs the money. I shoulder the domestic responsibilities largely without my husband's help because, well, he's been away 10 to 12 hours a day at work.

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Now, like many Americans, we are "sheltering in place" and both of us are working remotely. Instead of feeling an additional burden, as many moms are experiencing, our family is functioning better than ever.

Yes, it's hard to care full-time for our children, manage household, and work - and it's impossible if employers don't adjust their expectations. We need to lower our expectations of ourselves, too. And moms, if you have a partner at home, he or she needs to contribute.

Do you have a personal experience with the coronavirus you'd like to share? Or a tip on how your town or community is handling the pandemic? Please email covidtips@businessinsider.com and tell us your story.

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Moms are disproportionately burdened.

Moms are disproportionately burdened.

Every day there's another mom on social media crowdsourcing advice on how to handle the challenges that have come along with coronavirus: "Is anyone actually working full-time and watching their kids?" she'll ask. "Is your house also a complete and total mess? How are you dealing with the emotional labor put upon you by your partner? Is anyone else on the brink of divorce?"

When moms describe the challenge as "impossible," I sympathize with their dilemma. At the same time, it is profoundly validating. Feeling frustrated by your inability to focus? Exhausted, ineffectual, and inadequate, constantly juggling multiple tasks? Isolated, excluded, and erased from public life? Stay-at-home mom here. You've just described my life for the past last two-plus years.

Even before our first child was born, motherhood negatively impacted my career. Of course my husband also struggled to balance the demands of work and family, but given that he was the "breadwinner," the burden disproportionately fell on me. I lost jobs, turned in subpar work and felt an intense pressure to keep my kids invisible from my employers, lest I be hit even harder with the "motherhood penalty." I felt my professional identity slipping away. I felt like a shitty mom, too, when focusing on work meant ignoring my children.

Working from home without childcare doesn't work.

Working from home without childcare doesn't work.

When it was clear my mental health was suffering, our family was forced to make compromises. I paid for childcare just as often as I could, to get work done and give myself a break. Though I I learned to work harder and smarter, I also had to accept that parenting without childcare would required that I work less. As a gig employee, that meant earning less money.

Meanwhile, my husband stepped up. Even though he out-earned me and in spite of the pressures he feels as your typical employee, he took on more of the childcare and household responsibilities.

Instead of going out to eat or squirreling a little away each month, as we were able to before we had kids, we live paycheck to paycheck. It's scary, not having a savings and thinking my husband could lose his job for not staying after hours or making himself available on the weekends — but family comes first.

"Sheltering in" has led to a greater work-life balance

Now, in the wake of COVID-19, my husband is being compelled to make even greater sacrifices — as have more privileged families all across America. The era of invisible parenting is over, and the challenges of doing both are out in the open. Employers are being forced to be more flexible. Now we're all participating in conference calls with a toddler watching Paw Patrol in the background, a newborn on one knee — not just moms like me, who can't afford childcare.

In some ways, it's been a blessing.

Don't get me wrong, my family is in no way exempt from the fears and concerns facing most Americans today. We worry even more about losing income, and are terrified of getting sick. Yes, we're afraid. People are suffering. People are dying.

At the same time, for my family, the experience of "sheltering in place" has been nuanced and — dare I say — not entirely bad.

With both of us working from home, my husband and I are even better able to divide the workload fairly. Upon the advice of our family counselor, we created a calendar that divides the day so that we're both equally spending our time working, doing housework, managing childcare and taking time to ourselves.

Between the two of us, the laundry gets folded. The dishes get done. We're bonding as a family. At this very moment, my husband is playing with his son and holding the baby while I work. My son's anxious attachment to me is waning, and he is learning that he can trust and rely on both mom and dad. My body feels lighter without a newborn strapped to me 22 hours a day. I can go outside for longish runs, something I haven't gotten to do since my toddler was born. In general since having him home, life is more manageable — and equitable.

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This crisis can be a turning point.

This crisis can be a turning point.

Like all Americans, I hope that life returns to normal soon — but not if normal means a return to the status quo. Our society is broken. We rely on the exploitation of some so that others can function and the few can thrive. That needs to change. There needs to be some fundamental shifts in how we care for one another, ourselves, and our families.

If we're going to have a sustainable workforce, we need work that works for us and our families.

This means proper parental leave for both pregnant people and their partners. We need paid time off so we don't have to choose between caring for ourselves or sick family members, or using parental leave for anything other than bonding with our kids. We need flexible, parent-friendly workplaces, including shorter workdays and the option to work from home if that makes sense for one's family. As a country, we need quality, affordable childcare that also takes care of our childcare workers, as well as tax breaks for parents who would rather stay home full-time and care for their kids. Until this is a reality, we need to be gentler on ourselves as I've learned to do.

It's impossible— but it doesn't have to be.

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