- Many queer couples have found themselves not read as couples in social settings.
- Adam Blum, the founder and director of the Gay Therapy Center, says moments like these are invalidating - and can make you feel lesser than.
- When these moments occur, you should take a moment for yourself, acknowledge your feelings, and decide if it's worth educating the other person.
- Heterosexual allies can make spaces more open by asking how couples refer to each other, and asking the same questions they would ask heterosexual friends.
- Visit Business Insider's homepage for more stories.
It's an uncomfortable situation queer couples know well: That moment when you're out at a restaurant, or a store, or at a dinner party and are asked how you and your "friend" are, or how long you've been friends. Even when you're sitting across from each other on Valentine's Day.
In the moment, outing yourself is still a risk. Almost 19% of reported hate crimes in 2018 targeted people for their sexual orientations - and that number increased from 2017 to 2018. It's difficult to parse when someone is unintentionally misreading the situation, or has more malicious motives.
But this illegibility can also feel at odds with prevalent attitudes surrounding the queer community. A 2019 Gallup poll found that 63% of respondents believed gay marriage should be recognized as valid - and 93% thought that gays and lesbians should have equal rights in terms of job opportunities.
So why does the phenomenon of misreading same-sex couples as "just friends" persist? And why does it feel so bad?
Adam Blum, founder and director of the Gay Therapy Center, said that discomfort around couples being misread can stem from an issue of validation. Simply put: You don't get the same level of recognition or validation that a heterosexual couple may get when entering a space.
"In many spaces, your same-sex relationship doesn't quite seem to get the same level of interest," Blum told Business Insider. "Things have changed quite a bit, even now, especially in some of the big coastal cities, but even there, you know, it still happens."
Blum said that he "constantly" sees clients coming in who are contending with the "impact of not being validated."
And for queer people who already identify as minority-aligned - whether along lines of race, class, or gender - this lack of validation can lead to a doubled marginalization at home.
"When you are a minority, you're under a minority stress. And something unique about queer minorities is that they're not only minorities in a culture, they're minorities in their own intimate families. So that's a whole other layer of psychological wounding that we all have to confront as queer people."
So what should you do when that new acquaintance at a party asks how long you've been friends? Blum has five steps you can take if you and your partner have been misidentified.