Tired of 'vanilla' sex with her husband, a woman used a spreadsheet to choose her affair partner — leading to the best sex of her life
- An anonymous mother said she found a cheating partner on Ashley Madison after years of boring sex with her husband.
- She said she used a spreadsheet to narrow down hundreds of male suitors.
When Nikki joined Ashley Madison to cheat on her husband of 15 years, she said she received hundreds of messages from suitors.
Overwhelmed, she decided to organize her options the best way she could think up: Adding her suitors' data to a spreadsheet and narrowing them down based on chemistry and their respect for her systematic process.
Nikki said she joined Ashley Madison, a website for people seeking affair partners, after having "vanilla" sex and feeling disconnected from her husband for years. She was an anonymous guest using a pseudonym on the first episode of "She Wants More," a new iHeart podcast from Jo Piazza, a journalist, novelist, and creator of the podcast "Committed," which explores marriage.
Piazza said she started to notice her married female friends were having sex outside of their marriages, which were nearing their 10-year mark. The trend made her curious about the reasons married women cheat, Piazza, who has been married for seven years and has three children, told Insider. In the first episode, she says that the rate at which women cheat has risen "by about 40% since the early 1990s" while the rate of male infidelity has almost stayed the same, a statistic from the National Opinion Research Center's 2013 General Social Survey.
"Was it a Covid phenomenon? We'd all been locked in the house with our spouses. Was it the fact that they were finished having kids and all of a sudden they had their bodies back to themselves, in a way? Were they getting sick of their husbands? Because the women that I know who are having affairs also seem to be very happy and very content," Piazza told Insider.
As Nikki told Piazza on the first episode of "She Wants More," she felt she'd grown to need sexual experiences her husband couldn't provide her, which led to a level on unfulfillment she could no longer ignore, especially when she started to have the sex she wanted with her affair partners.
Two years after her first affair in 2019, Nikki told Piazza she had enough sexual experiences, like having sex with four men in one day and falling in love with her current affair partner, to realize she would consider a divorce.
A spreadsheet of male Ashley Madison users helped Nikki experiment with sex
Nikki said she met her husband when they were 20. Now in her 30s, she said she still loves him, but finds him "aloof" in their marriage, especially when it comes to being sexually adventurous, which Nikki craves.
Over the years, Nikki said she noticed how her husband "would rather just not bring things up than rock the boat by talking about them out loud." Sex was one of those things, so Nikki said she started to initiate sex and ask her husband to pull her hair and spank her butt. When she brought up her sexual desires during date night or dinner, he seemed receptive, but couldn't follow through during sex, Nikki said. Eventually, she stopped talking about it.
When Nikki saw a "torrential downpour of potential men" in her Ashley Madison inbox, she was stunned. She had only had sex with her husband and didn't know where to start. After a quick scan of the men's photos and opening lines where she ruled out anything too gross or weird, Nikki said she created a spreadsheet and entered the suitors she was willing to consider.
In it, she identified each man with his screen name. She ranked their attractiveness, consistency in responding to her messages, and their ability to listen and get to know her through conversation. After creating an untraceable Google Voice number and WhatsApp for texting, Nikki began to screen the men and verify their identities with video calls, choosing 10 to meet for in-person dates.
Nikki said the man she ultimately picked for her first affair fulfilled fantasies she'd had for years of "aggressive" sex.
"I picked the best overall based on our chemistry, the quality of person I believed him to be, what he had to offer the affair. And he was really respectful, not only of me, but of my process," Nikki told Piazza.
Are more married women cheating to find fulfillment?
Nikki said after she brought up divorce with her husband in 2021, he did nothing to improve their sexual or romantic connection.
She continued to have affairs with other men, including group sex and "the most intense, dramatic, romantic relationship" with her current affair partner. She's met his children and they see each other exclusively, Nikki said.
Nikki said fulfilling sex has made her happier overall. At first, she loved how her home and affair lives were separate. But now that she's in love with her affair partner, it's complicated, Nikki told Piazza.
While interviewing Nikki, other married women who cheat, and "A Passion For More" author Susan Shapiro Barash, Piazza said she challenged her own belief that your spouse can provide everything you need romantically, emotionally, mentally, and sexually.
She also realized that women often cheat out of their desire to feel differently than they do in their marriages.
"It's not just that they want to have good fulfilling sex. It's that they want someone to see them in a way that their partner who is living the day-to-day with them, the grind of life with them, is never going to see them," Piazza said.
"And that's why they feel like they've really become a different person after having an affair."
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