- In her book "God Bless This Mess," former "Bachelorette" star
Hannah Brown opened up about the show. - She wrote that she didn't think the man she was going to marry was there "at all."
On her first night as lead of "
"My first night on 'The Bachelorette,' right after meeting all the guys who were there to be my suitors, I wondered whether one of them might turn out to be my husband — and I sat there thinking, 'I don't think he's here. I don't think he's here at all,'" Brown, who was the star of season 15 in 2019, wrote in "
That's not what she said on-camera, however. A common phrase uttered by the lead on the first night of "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette" is some variation of "I think my wife/husband is in this room tonight." And Brown who, in her own words, always tried to do what people expected of her, toed the line in the episode.
"When the cameras were rolling, I gave this speech saying the exact opposite of how I felt. I basically said I believed my husband was in the room," she wrote.
"I can see my husband in this room," she told her suitors, according to a clip from the show.
However, according to her book, Brown said she told them, "I can see my husband being in this room." She said this was a "safe middle ground," but what she actually thought was, "I just don't think any of you guys are it for me," she wrote.
But by the end of the season, Brown had accepted a proposal from Jed Wyatt. Even while he was proposing, Brown thought, "No, I can't. This isn't what it is supposed to be like," she wrote.
She added, "I kept thinking, 'This doesn't feel the way I know love feels like.'"
Wyatt and Brown broke up a few months later after it was revealed he had been dating a woman up until the night before he left for "The Bachelorette."
"I also felt like I was letting everyone down. All the viewers who had watched this show and invested so much time watching this love story develop were going to be disappointed now. I hated that," she wrote.
Brown has been dating Adam Woolard, whom she met on a dating app, since February 2021.