EntertainmentJones, who moved from Los Angeles to New York to join "SNL" last year, expressed her many issues with the city on last night's "Weekend Update."
She first took issue with how much walking New Yorkers do:
Everything is hard in New York. Why does it need to be this cold? Why? And I'm tired of walking. I gotta stretch before I even go to the store. And New Yorkers don't know how to give directions, a 'couple of blocks' ends up being FIVE MILES. I went to meet a man at a restaurant that you New Yorkers say 'is a couple of blocks' and I almost froze to death like Jack Nicholson in 'The Shining.' These avenues is killing a bitch. Lord, why does the avenues have to be longer than the blocks? I've been on Fifth Avenue for ten hours! When is it going to turn to Sixth?
And stop trying to explain this East/West stuff to me, okay? Because I'm not going to get it. The last East/West thing I understood was Biggie and Tupac and that did not end well.
She then tackled the dirty subways:
And the subway? The subway just nasty. I was standing on the subway platform one day and a breeze came through and I wanted to kill EVERYBODY. Did rat feces dust just fly into my mouth? And my date, this guy who I thought I liked, is standing there like 'Ooo doesn't the breeze feel good?' and I'm like, 'No, shut up. We just died here, we just caught rat AIDS.'
Jones has issues with the women in New York, too:
I've got to compete with these white, beautiful New York bitches. And none of y'all are scared of me, at all. I used to be able to scare the hell out of a white girl in L.A., just walk up to 'em and give my best Compton stare. Not out here, you white bitches are strong. I bumped into a white girls on the train and she was like, 'Yeah, bitch, WHAT?!' And I was like, 'Oh my god, I am so sorry.' She turned me into the white girl.
Watch the full "Weekend Update" clip below: