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<ul class="summary-list"><li>Dr. Talal Alsaleem is a psychologist who created a 7-step method for couples dealing with infidelity.</li><li>He told Insider he developed it after years of working with frustrated couples who wanted an actionable plan.</li></ul>Couples therapist and psychologist Talal Alsaleem thinks that <a href="https://www.insider.com/fiance-cheated-with-friend-admitted-bisexuality-what-should-i-do-2022-10">cheating</a> is the best worst thing that can happen to partners. Talal told Insider he's always loved the "complexity" of working with <a href="https://www.insider.com/wired-to-cheat-agreed-to-marriage-will-i-ruin-it-2020-10">couples in conflict</a>.For 15 years, he's worked with partners whose relationships are on the brink of collapse. Noticing many grow frustrated with rehashing their painful pasts during traditional talk therapy, Alsaleem said he crafted a step-by-step method so couples have actionable steps to heal. He outlined his method, called <a href="https://www.systematicaffairrecoverytherapy.com/">Systematic Affair Recovery Therapy (SART)</a>, in his 2017 book "<a href="https://affiliate.insider.com?amazonTrackingID=biauto-59615-20&amp;postID=638919fbaca761537f04dc5e&amp;site=in&amp;u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FInfidelity-Happen-Marriage-Complete-Affairs%2Fdp%2F0692874828%23customerReviews">Infidelity: The Complete Guide on How to Heal from Affairs.</a>"Alsaleem's method doesn't have a set timeline, and he said he's worked with couples who recover in six months to up to two and a half years.There's no standardized clinical treatment for helping couples heal after an <a href="https://www.insider.com/my-partner-24-years-cheated-can-our-relationship-last-2020-5">affair</a>. The Gottmans, two therapists who have studied relationships for more than 20 years, suggest the cheater disclose all of the events that led up to the affair and ensued during it. Other therapists say <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/202105/do-couples-really-need-full-disclosure-after-infidelity">full disclosure can lead the cheating victim to lash out</a> at the cheater, causing more harm to an already fractured relationship. In Alsaleem's course, the cheater is tasked with sharing what they did, but only after reflecting on their own feelings about their actions and why they acted that way. As they do this, the betrayed person has to accept that knowing the full "truth" of the affair, or hearing every detail of it, will not be enough to rebuild trust.From there, both partners can decide what to do next, Alsaleem told Insider. Couples who work with him have the choice to end their relationship during the SART process, which Alsaleen says is essential. "I wanted to address some of the glaring gaps in general treatment methods other therapists had been using. I wanted to make sure we have comprehensive treatment methods that help clients navigate those challenges," Alsaleem told Insider.<h2>Talal's 7-step guide to healing from an affair</h2>1. Set the stage for healing.When couples come to Alsaleem, he often sees they've already made avoidable mistakes that could hinder their treatment plan. "Somebody discovers infidelity, then they tell all of their friends and family members, put it on Facebook, and now they have to deal with public opinion weighing in on their recovery journey," Alsaleem told Insider. Other times, they bring in the outside party involved in the affair, or parents navigating infidelity involve their children.All of these extra perspectives and emotions can hinder a couple from moving forward, so Alsaleem starts by helping them identify the right support systems.2. Understand the narrative of infidelity.According to Alsaleem, this is the most important step in his process. During early sessions with couples, he encourages the betrayed partner to ask questions about the affair while he acts as a referee, he said. If they ask for unnecessary details, like a play-by-play of a specific meetup, Alsaleem reminds them that those details don't serve a constructive purpose. Knowing the frequency of meetups and their nature, like emotional or sexual, could be constructive, Alsaleem said.Once all of the important details are shared, each partner, has to decide if they want to repair their relationship or not, Alsaleem said.They can't make an accurate decision if they don't know "what they're dealing with," or if there's proof their problems can be fixable, so transparency at this stage is essential, he said.3. Acknowledge the impact of infidelity.This step focuses on the cheater showing they understand the impact of their actions, Alsaleem said.He said that some cheaters have trouble feeling guilt and taking responsibility for the hurt they caused. That can make true healing impossible for some because the affair victim will feel unseen and be unable to rebuild trust with the cheater, he said. "Because why would you want to rebuild with somebody who doesn't understand cause and effect, or somebody who does understand cause and effect, but they don't have the emotional experience that you expect of them?"Alsaleem helps cheaters access and process difficult emotions like shame so they can learn accountability, he said.4. Choose a path of recovery.At this point in Alsaleem's program, partners should have enough information about how and why the affair happened to decide if they want to heal with their partner, or part ways and heal alone, he said.To help couples determine this, he gives each partner a three-part assessment about their relationship history prior to infidelity, how they've both handled acknowledging and accepting the infidelity, and the type of infidelity and how it happened. For the third part, Alsaleem said there's no correct answer. "It's just based on each individual and their value system," he said.5. Create a plan of action.If a couple decides to stay together, Alsaleem helps them create steps to build a relationship that satisfies them both. It's based on each individual couple and the goals they pick together, like feeling emotionally connected through quality time or feeling less suspicious of the cheating partner when they spend time apart.Alsaleem said he helps couples set realistic goals and ways to measure them so they can gauge their success over time.If they decide to separate, the plan will include finding a way to amicably part ways and untangle each other's lives. Unless the partners are co-parents, Alsaleem suggests they cut off contact, which he says makes moving on easier.6. Implement the plan and heal.Once the partners agree on a plan, Alsaleem makes sure they follow it. He said that some couples ditch their action plan after a few weeks, which sets back their overall healing.To prevent this, Alsaleem teaches couples to communicate with each other when they struggle with their plan, including weekly check-ins with each other. He also suggests they go to individual therapy throughout this period, since the trauma of an affair can impact a person's overall health, he wrote in his book.7. Sustain the work.Finally, Alsaleem helps couples figure out their baseline of relationship satisfaction, which can differ depending on the context of the affair and what each partner needs to keep moving forward.For example, if the betrayed person needs to feel less suspicious of their partner to have baseline satisfaction, Alsaleem helps them make a scale to quantify the frequency of those feelings and set realistic goals. Never feeling suspicious is just as unrealistic as feeling suspicious 9 times out of 10, he said in his book.Once they agree upon this baseline, they should have brief daily check-ins and weekly or biweekly talks where they discuss how their relationship is going, according to Alsaleem.He compared an affair to a heart attack, saying that it can be a life-altering moment that makes someone realize they need to change their habits. The further they get from that scary and life-altering moment, whether an affair or a heart attack, the less important maintaining new healthy habits becomes, Alsaleem said."We have to help them protect this new, healthy baseline of the relationship that they have worked at so that we make sure that we are not ignoring any red flags and going back to relapse."

A therapist who believes cheating can transform a relationship shares his 7-step process for healing couples after an affair

<ul class="summary-list"><li>A man cheated on his partner of two years for 10 months, so they called off their wedding plans.</li><li>They got married a year later, after a special couples therapy regimen with therapist Talal Alsaleem.</li></ul>A woman sat right next to her fiancé, a man she had been with for two years, but she couldn't bring herself to look at him. Her heart pounding, she instead locked eyes with their therapist, Talal Alsaleem, who was sitting across from them. She bristled as her fiancé explained how he slept with another woman in their home during a 10-month long affair that she learned about three months ago, after they'd gotten engaged.The woman said he had cheated before — with her. That was how their romantic relationship began. In that instance, the woman said she viewed her affair as a means to the end of an unfulfilling marriage, and assumed her fiancé felt the same. But learning of his latest transgression, her brain swirled with confusion. Until they decided to meet with Alsaleem, the woman had cut off contact with the man, saying she felt stupid for trusting him and that she wanted him out of her life for good.But in December 2020, the California-based couple got married. They told Insider their relationship resolution was possible thanks to following a regimen created by Alsaleem, a licensed marriage and family therapist who dedicates his practice to <a href="https://www.insider.com/therapist-created-7-step-course-helps-couples-heal-after-cheating-2022-12">helping people heal after infidelity</a>. In 2019, they took Alsaleem's $4,920 three-day intensive course and did a year of $245-an-hour in-person, weekly sessions with him. The total bill was around $17,660, not including the individual therapy they both attended on their own, but agree the cost was worth it. Both say they're different people than they were before the affair. The woman says the man is thoughtful in ways he never was before he cheated on her, while the man said Alsaleem is an "emotional engineer" who helped him finally confront, understand, and change his lack of accountability."It's soul-crushing because you get exposed to ugly things that have been within you for many years, but you've been blindly ignoring it because that's the easiest thing to do," the man told Insider.<h2>A last-ditch effort after feeling stuck in traditional couples therapy</h2>There's no standardized clinical treatment for helping couples heal after an affair, therapist Tammy Nelson, author of <a href="https://drtammynelson.com/product/when-youre-the-one-who-cheats-softcover/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">"When You're the One Who Cheats"</a> told Insider. Since cheating motives and couples' dynamics vastly differ, what they need to heal differs, too.The woman said the first therapist she and her husband saw together, who he found through a Google search, instructed them to communicate and feel their emotions. <div type="image" title="a couple fighting" height="562" width="750" msid="99568600" hostid="261"></div>But she felt so many things at once — shame for being naive about her husband's behavior, disappointment in him, disappointment in herself, desperation to understand where she went wrong — that it felt impossible to share or process her emotions without completely unraveling. Then, the woman read Alsaleem's book, after a recommendation from her personal therapist. His step-by-step breakdown gave her a new perspective on why the man may have cheated. For the first time, she felt like getting closure was possible. While the woman read Alsaleem's book on her own, the man was frantically Googling "therapists who specialize in infidelity," he told Insider. Finding Alsaleem during that search, the man emailed him for more details, then persisted until he convinced the woman to take Alsaleem's three-day intensive course. <h2>Creating a cheating recovery game plan, complete with non-negotiable homework</h2>Unlike traditional couple's counseling, where couples are often encouraged to discuss their feelings and reasons for cheating until they reach forgiveness, Alsaleem walks couples through his seven-step process. The beginning steps focus on setting ground rules and expectations to avoid emotional gridlocks, while the later steps guide the couple on building a new relationship and practicing their new communication skills. Alsaleem's process does not require forgiveness, but it does require the cheater to write a letter to their partner to acknowledge wrongdoings. It also includes steps like partners agreeing not to post about their relationship on social media, upholding a months-long period of no contact outside of therapy, and creating a custom relationship satisfaction rating system, all things that encourage the couple to focus on recovery.The woman said she was skeptical that their relationship could recover. If anything, she believed Alsaleem could help her understand why their relationship devolved.But when they worked with Alsaleem to create a game plan so she could trust the man again, the woman said she became more hopeful. As part of the process, they agreed to have one challenging conversation during each weekly session. They'd talk about work stress, behavior patterns they wanted to change, and hurt feelings. The man also attended a weekly support group in his community and volunteered to deliver food for a local charity to help work on his selfish mindset. He shared his account passwords and texts with the woman to prove he was committed to honesty. To round out the game plan, the man went to individual therapy through all of this, which he said helped him understand how unresolved childhood trauma led him to have a lack of accountability in his adult relationships.The man said Alsaleem told him that if he shirked responsibility on any of these steps, they could no longer work together. The strict requirements kept the man motivated, he said, because he viewed Alsaleem as his "lifeline" to becoming a better partner.<h2>A whole new relationship </h2>According to the woman, it took a year of work with Alsaleem to build a "normal and new'' relationship with her husband. Now, she says her once-arrogant husband is humble and thoughtful.When they argue, he reaches out to make amends. He thinks before he speaks, but also shares when he's stressed or upset, which he never used to do, she said. That's when she knew she could marry him.Even though the man imploded their relationship with his affair, the woman said it led to the most solid relationship she's ever had. She said that she used to view their pre-affair life as perfect because of their chemistry and financial success, but loves their deeper connection even more now."It's really meaningful to build something beautiful like trust," the woman said. They've now been married for three years. Last year, they adopted a puppy together.

A couple got over an affair and got married after taking a 7-step infidelity course

<ul class="summary-list"><li>If your partner has an affair, you may be tempted to have sex with them, aka "hysterical bonding."</li><li>For some, it's a way to reclaim their agency, or it could be a sign of sexual deficiency. </li></ul>Editor's note: Insider has agreed not to identify the people discussing their relationships to protect their privacy. Their identities are known to us. The <a target="_blank" href="https://www.insider.com/how-to-move-past-cheating-partner-2023-8">discovery of infidelity</a> brings on all kinds of rage and grief, complex feelings that are difficult to process. There aren't many wrong ways to respond to your partner cheating on you, though <keyword id="82565" type="General" weightage="50" keywordseo="carrie-underwood" source="Orion">Carrie Underwood</keyword> walked us through some of the more illegal ones — namely destroying their car. But one surprising way people react to learning of their partner's affair is by having sex with them. <h2>Why people have sex with their partners after finding out they cheated</h2>There are many reasons a person may feel tempted to have sex with their partner <a target="_blank" href="https://www.insider.com/women-share-why-had-affairs-cheating-how-they-did-it-2023-3">post-affair</a>, <keyword id="16707398" type="General" weightage="50" keywordseo="talal-alsaleem" source="Orion">Talal Alsaleem</keyword>, an infidelity expert and licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in infidelity recovery, said. Occasionally, it's an issue of comparing themselves with the person their partner had an affair with, <keyword id="18830488" type="General" weightage="80" keywordseo="alsaleem" source="Orion">Alsaleem</keyword> said — even if they've already decided they're not staying in the relationship. "Sometimes the betrayed has already made their decision," he said. "They want to leave, but they want the unfaithful to know: Here's what you're going to be missing out on." That's what drove a 34-year-old from Kansas City, Missouri, to have sex with his boyfriend after discovering through incriminating texts that he had slept with a woman and might have gotten her pregnant. "I had this lingerie that he just loved," he said. "So I just decided to have sex with him one more time to kind of <a target="_blank" href="https://www.insider.com/how-to-stop-thinking-about-sex-with-ex-during-relationship-2021-11">reclaim my own agency</a> and prove that I'm good enough, and you lost this and you're never going to get it again." He said the sex was hot, adding that immediately afterward, he told his partner he knew about the affair. <keyword id="18830489" type="General" weightage="50" keywordseo="monique-thompson" source="Orion">Monique Thompson</keyword>, a licensed professional counselor specializing in infidelity who created a workbook for couples who have experienced infidelity, said that you might think "this person really must want to be in the relationship because they're trying to use sex as a reclaiming factor, when really they just want <a target="_blank" href="https://www.insider.com/guides/health/sex-relationships/how-to-break-up-with-someone-you-love">to be the person to leave</a>." <h2>What is 'hysterical bonding'?</h2>That said, some people simply want to <a target="_blank" href="https://www.insider.com/how-to-make-a-relationship-stronger-after-cheating-2019-11">reconnect with their partner or demonstrate their closeness</a>. Many genuinely feel a desire to be comforted by intimacy with their partner. There's even a term for it — "<a target="_blank" href="https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/hysterical-bonding#characteristics">hysterical bonding</a>." For some, having sex is a way to reclaim their partner, or even themselves. That was the case for a 41-year-old from <keyword id="293230" type="General" weightage="20" keywordseo="spokane" source="Orion">Spokane</keyword>, Washington. "We had such a poor relationship that sex was the only positive, the only thing where we never had any issues, and we both enjoyed it greatly," he said. For him, sex came immediately after his partner disclosed her infidelity. "I wanted details about what she did," he said. "She told me it was brief. He lasted less than a minute; she didn't enjoy it at all. She had no chance to get any pleasure out of it." That led him to want to have sex with his partner again to prove something. "She was expecting me to blow up the relationship," he said. "But because it was such an unsatisfactory sexual experience for her, I guess I just wanted her to have a good experience with me and show her that <a target="_blank" href="https://www.insider.com/why-people-get-back-together-after-cheating-2018-3">wasn't enough for me to give up on her</a>." While their marriage didn't last, the couple still have sex occasionally. <h2>An affair could be a result of one partner not getting their sexual needs met</h2>On the other hand, sometimes infidelity is caused "by a deficit in sexual intimacy," Alsaleem said, which can lead the betrayed party to try to prove a point by having sex post-affair, to suggest they can still meet those needs. Perhaps because of that, some people find both better sex and a better relationship post-cheating. A 44-year-old in Raleigh, North Carolina, described his wife's emotional affair and said that where they ended up — after a lot of excruciating work — was better in some ways. "We decided to reconcile, and our sex life became crazy good and super frequent," he said. He added that after he found out, he "went into a period of what I now know is hysterical bonding and definitively having a strong desire to reclaim her from the other guy." While their sex life came back stronger, he emphasized the amount of work and pain that went into <a target="_blank" href="https://www.insider.com/using-cheating-affairs-save-marriage-2023-5">healing after the affair</a>. "I don't want to come across as reductive in talking about the sex component only," he said. "It has been a terrible struggle from the moment of discovery of my wife's affair, but we have both worked very hard to understand one another. "In doing so, we have been more intimate with each other than we have been in years with our conversations with one another." <h2>Fixing the relationship requires vulnerability</h2>It's a sentiment Alsaleem echoed, and one that sometimes leads to better sex between couples. The discussions that arise from infidelity "can cause people to be vulnerable," Alsaleem said, adding, "There's a lot of apology. There are a lot of regrets. There's a lot of sharing because infidelity forces people to actually have talks that they should have had a long time ago. Sometimes that vulnerability piece related to the sharing causes people to <a target="_blank" href="https://www.insider.com/guides/health/mental-health/sex-therapy">want to connect sexually</a>." Simply having good sex or reclaiming sex probably won't solve the issues that led to infidelity. While it may be incredibly satisfying in the short term, you need to move on — whether that means finding a way to forgive your partner and mend the relationship or ending the relationship. There are no correct ways to get over betrayal, but if you happen to have hot sex in the process, that's OK.

Hysterical bonding is when an individual sleeps with their cheating partner — and there is a reason it happens.

<ul class="summary-list"><li><a href="http://www.talalalsaleem.com/">Talal Alsaleem</a> is a marriage counselor who specializes in infidelity counseling.</li><li>Children are affected by their parents' infidelity, in both the short term and the long term.</li></ul>This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with <a href="http://www.talalalsaleem.com/">Talal Alsaleem</a>. It has been edited for length and clarity.When I started practicing as a young clinician, I soon realized that the population I'm passionate about working with is <a href="https://www.insider.com/guides/health/sex-relationships/couples-therapy">couples</a>. Couples are complicated to help as a <a href="https://www.insider.com/guides/health/sex-relationships/types-of-couples-therapy">therapist</a> because you're dealing with two individuals with vastly different experiences and, sometimes, opposing agendas.As I sat down with couples, I found out most of them were coming to see me because they were in crisis. Roughly 50% of people on my caseload were dealing with the aftermath of <a href="https://www.insider.com/how-to-make-a-relationship-stronger-after-cheating-2019-11">current or past infidelity</a>, and in 2014 it led me to set up a practice exclusively working with these couples.There is a myriad of reasons infidelity might occur in a relationship, but they can be separated into three categories: environmental, relational, and individual factors. The fallout from affairs can be cosmic between the two people in the relationship. They may feel as if they are in the middle of a tornado they don't know how to get out of, with intense emotion, a great sense of despair, and confusion about how to proceed.Within this tornado, the people often forgotten are the invisible victims of affairs: children.Even though there is very little research done about the impact on children, I have observed in my clinical practice a series of long- and short-term effects infidelity has on children.<h2>Short-term impacts</h2>When the betrayed partner discovers their partner has been unfaithful, it is likely to be uncomfortable in the house. People are sad, angry, and scared. Every part of life is affected by the discovery, including their ability to parent, because of the emotional intensity hovering in the house.Children often may have poor grooming and hygiene because parents aren't paying attention. They could miss school and sports and appear exhausted from long nights of parental arguments. Teachers sometimes see children acting out at school to get any kind of attention, even if it's negative.As children are exposed to emotional distress, they will respond with similar distress, often feeling depressed, sad, tearful, or irritable. They don't know what is going on in their house, and their cognitive and emotional bandwidth is really preoccupied with what is going on with their parents.Their worry about the outcome may present itself as a change in appetite, too little or too much sleep, and lack of ability to concentrate.The most detrimental short-term impacts on a child are <a href="https://www.healthline.com/health/parentification#:~:text=Parentification%20is%20when%20parents%20rely,responsible%20for%20paying%20the%20bills.">parentification</a> and triangulations. Parentification is when children take on adult responsibilities because their parents are preoccupied with the discovery. Triangulation is when the child gets stuck in the middle between two parents at war with each other. The child becomes a pawn to be played for each parent, becoming entangled in the mess and pain of their parents. Both are huge responsibilities for kids to carry, especially considering they are already dealing with so much in their own development and life experiences.<h2>Long-term impacts</h2>When children have found out about one parent being unfaithful to the other, there is a potential that their own sexual development will be called into question. Questions about what sex means for them and their own identity are often asked in later years after the event has long since happened.I've also seen that children who grew up in a home with infidelity may be more likely to bring that infidelity into their future relationships. They could be less likely to trust others, doubting a partner even if they have shown no proof of having cheated.Or they go on to be unfaithful themselves, not having had a high value placed on fidelity growing up. It becomes part of their cultural norm.<h2>How parents can protect their children</h2>If there has been infidelity in a relationship children are involved in, the best thing parents can do to protect their children is to minimize discovery to other people. Even though parents may want to tell their close friends and family, I advise it to be kept to themselves and professional people hired to help.This includes telling children. Even though there is no way to hide the emotional impact the affair has had, children do not need to know the details of what has happened. Parents should simply explain to children they are dealing with some issues and doing everything possible to fix them.Most importantly, kids should be assured that they are not at fault for any friction in the house.In the recovery process, I highly suggest in addition to specialized infidelity-recovery couples therapy, parents engage in family therapy to include children. There is potentially a lot of damage, and children need a place to safely explore the impact an affair may have had on them.

I'm a therapist who works with couples. This is how infidelity affects children.

<ul class="summary-list"><li>Ashley Madison's 2015 data leak offered evidence that all types of people cheat for various reasons.</li><li>Immediately after the leak, those cheaters were harassed, blackmailed, and fired from work. Some committed suicide.</li></ul>Cheaters are everywhere. That's an obvious truth in today's internet-absorbed and hyper-connected world. But if it wasn't for Ashley Madison's massive 2015 data leak, during which the <a href="https://www.wired.com/2015/08/happened-hackers-posted-stolen-ashley-madison-data/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">private information — including nude photos in some cases — of an estimated 32 million users</a> was released online for anyone to access, we may not have realized just how many cheaters may really be among us. When Ashley Madison launched in 2001, the site was a pioneer for discreet yet judgment-free cheating via the internet. And <a href="https://www.businessinsider.in/tech/the-strange-rise-and-sudden-fall-of-noel-biderman-the-former-ceo-of-ashley-madison/slidelist/48716152.cms" target="_blank" rel="noopener">people hated it</a>. To the critics, the site was helping unfaithful spouses who, by mainstream standards, were considered inherently bad people who could never justify their behavior. Cheaters deserved to be hated, and that was that.Despite the critiques, the site said it kept growing, bringing in new members each year. And in 2015, when hackers released the names, addresses, and intimate photographs of enough Ashley Madison users to completely populate the state of Texas, we had solid proof that all kinds of people, including <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2015/08/26/6-cases-where-the-ashley-madison-leak-has-ensnared-political-and-public-officials/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">politicians</a>, mothers, and <a href="https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/josh-duggars-ashley-madison-problem" target="_blank" rel="noopener">reality stars known for being devout Christians</a>, are cheaters.Hulu's new three-part docuseries <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q54ZKVXmUcA" target="_blank" rel="noopener">"The Ashley Madison Affair,"</a> which premiered July 7, recounts the infamous website's rise to international recognition, its 2015 data leak, and the aftermath of those impacted. Unfaithful spouses' personal information and nudes were leaked for the world to see. They were given no privacy and no basic human respect, and many lost their jobs, families, and even lives because their affairs were made public.But the site never stopped running and its executives now purport to have 75 million global members. Though unintentional, Ashley Madison's massive security flop forced us to reconsider the cheater stereotype and wonder if pervasive cheating signaled a deeper problem with how we view marriage, monogamy, desire, and honesty as a culture. <h2>At the time, people felt justified in humiliating leaked Ashley Madison cheaters</h2>An estimated 23% of American men and 12% of American women <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/342837490_Racial_and_Gender_Differences_in_Extramarital_Sex_in_the_United_States_in_the_Last_Three_Decades" target="_blank" rel="noopener">say they've cheated</a>, according to the General Social Survey's latest data. And that's only the people who've admitted to it.Clearly, monogamous marriages aren't working for everyone.When certain Ashley Madison members were exposed, the damage of their decisions to put their monogamous marriages on the line became evident. They suffered some big losses — their jobs, their marriages, and even their lives, with at least <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3208907/The-Ashley-Madison-suicide-Texas-police-chief-takes-life-just-days-email-leaked-cheating-website-hack.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener">five</a> <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/aug/24/toronto-suicides-ashley-madison-hack" target="_blank" rel="noopener">known members</a>, including a <a href="https://money.cnn.com/2015/09/08/technology/ashley-madison-suicide/index.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener">pastor</a>, committing suicide in the months that followed the leak. Others were excommunicated from their small communities when their local churches distributed their leaked nudes, as Hulu's series recounts.When the fallout happened, bystanders debated whether the cheaters deserved it as penance for their deceptive and damaging behavior.But if the leak happened today, it's hard to imagine it'd have the same deep and far-reaching impact for the cheaters involved.<h2>Sexual monogamy is losing its chokehold on American society</h2><div type="image" title="wedding marriage" height="1536" width="2048" msid="101582294" hostid="261" sizebytes="26354"></div>Two years after the leak, renowned therapist Esther Perel released her book <a href="https://www.harperacademic.com/book/9780062694553/the-state-of-affairs/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">"The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity"</a> to explain the complexity of cheaters' motivations. It became a New York Times best seller and inspired a 2017 story in The New Yorker called <a href="https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/12/18/in-defense-of-adulterers" target="_blank" rel="noopener">"In Defense of Adulterers."</a>That same year, therapist Talal Alsaleem published a book outlining a course he created to <a href="https://www.insider.com/therapist-created-7-step-course-helps-couples-heal-after-cheating-2022-12">help cheaters save their marriages</a>, instead of turning them away to deal with the aftermath of their mistake alone.In the mainstream, conversations about adulterers appear to be more nuanced, with more stories about why affairs happen and how to prevent them, including considering non-monogamous relationships. Even <a href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/tvandshowbiz/5442229/jay-z-reveals-why-he-and-wife-beyonce-decided-to-stay-together-after-the-rappers-cheating/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Jay-Z publicly shared his affair</a>, and his wife Beyonce's decision to stay and work things out.On the podcast <a href="https://www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-she-wants-more-107769177/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">She Wants More</a>, women journalists take a non-judgmental approach to asking married women and mothers why they cheated, including <a href="https://www.insider.com/woman-used-spreadsheet-to-choose-her-ashley-madison-affair-partner-2023-2">one who used Ashley Madison</a>.Across all of these investigations into infidelity, the message is clear: Cheaters' cannot be stereotyped because their decisions to be unfaithful are far-reaching and complex.A relationship must be constantly negotiated between partners, or else it runs the risk of dissatisfaction, distrust, and deception through an affair, Tammy Nelson, a therapist who researches cheaters' motivations and wrote <a href="https://drtammynelson.com/product/when-youre-the-one-who-cheats-softcover/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">"When You're The One Who Cheats,"</a> told me. To prevent unfaithful behavior in a relationship, partners must communicate with radical honesty, including the possible admission that maybe they'd like to have sex with other people, watch their wives sleep with someone else, or have a threesome. And maybe, saying those things out loud, instead of stuffing them down and joining an affair website, could be a better way forward.People are realizing that dynamics like polyamory, swinging, and open relationships can be ways for partners who want more and varied sexual or emotional experiences to feel fulfilled, without the deception that we now know can lead to unimaginable emotional turmoil.<h2>Ashley Madison's mess up brought non-monogamy to the mainstream</h2>Despite these societal changes, and perhaps unsurprisingly, unhappy marriages still exist. In the docuseries, three anonymous current users say that the 2015 leak didn't dissuade them from joining the website. And if they got caught, they would figure out how to deal with it, one user said, in spite of reports that some <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/zakdoffman/2020/02/01/ashley-madison-hack-returns-to-haunt-its-victims-32-million-users-now-have-to-watch-and-wait/?sh=4ec7d54e5677" target="_blank" rel="noopener">2015 data-leak victims are still being blackmailed and extorted</a>."We're offering something that's needed, wanted, and desired," Ashley Madison's Chief Strategy Officer Paul Keable said during the third and final episode of the Hulu series.Ashley Madison's mere existence made us collectively aware of how common cheating really is. But the site's unintended leak, and its seismic effects on cheaters and their families, brought an even bigger concern to the surface: Is anyone really safe from cheating, and if not, how do we prevent it? Ashley Madison screwed over its users in a massive way, but the site's unforgettable mistake also led to a massive realization: Cheaters are not a monolith, and they shouldn't be treated or judged solely by their unfaithfulness.

You Searched For "alsaleem" and got 5 results

A therapist who believes cheating can transform a relationship shares his 7-step process for healing couples after an affair

Julia Naftulin

A couple got over an affair and got married after taking a 7-step infidelity course

Julia Naftulin

Hysterical bonding is when an individual sleeps with their cheating partner — and there is a reason it happens.

Sophia Benoit

I'm a therapist who works with couples. This is how infidelity affects children.

Lauren Crosby Medlicott

Cheaters are having a moment. It all started with Ashley Madison's big mistake.

Julia Naftulin

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