- When my ex and I decided to divorce, we were concerned how the transition would affect our girls.
- Nesting was the solution; our kids stay in the family home and we take turns staying with them.
When my husband and I realized our marriage was over a few years ago, we were wracked with guilt over how it would affect our two girls. They are the light of our lives. We may have already been a family before we had them, but they are the reason we will always be a family, even if we're no longer a couple. As soon as we started discussing how to separate, we agreed that all our choices should minimize any disruption to them.
By the ages of seven and nine, our girls had already moved countries three and four times, respectively. Transitions were relatively easy when they were little, but our last move from Malaysia to Mexico took a much harder toll on them as they approached tweendom. We promised them we would stay in one place until they both graduated from high school. Moving my mother from the US to a small house near us in Mexico solidified that promise.
We both wanted custody but weren't sure how to navigate it
When it came to divorce, the issues to untangle felt interminable: custody, money, work, housing, schools, and visas. The last 13 years of my life have been focused on caring for and educating our girls as I put my career on pause years ago to embrace the role of supportive spouse and homeschooling mom. Luckily, both the girls expressed a desire to integrate into regular schools. Their dad had worked tirelessly and didn't want to lose a close connection to his girls, so when it came to custody, we agreed to a 50-50 split.
An even split seemed like the fair choice but left us wondering how we would finance two houses that would only be used in full part of the time. We certainly couldn't afford to double everything, and given their personalities, we felt confident the constant changing would take a toll on at least one, if not both of them. I dreaded the foreseen chaos. Then, a friend suggested nesting, which is when the kids remain in the 'family' home while the parents swap places.
We decided to give nesting a try
As soon as the seed was planted, we knew nesting was the answer for us. Our kids would remain in the home we had previously shared as a family so they could have the same rooms, the same comforts, and the same routines.
This way, they wouldn't have to re-adjust to sleeping in a new place every week when we swapped custody, and there would be no pining for things like a favorite bedroom at mom's house or nicer TV at dad's. We wouldn't have to worry about them packing everything up each time they left, or whether they'd leave things behind they'd need; nesting meant they'd always feel at home.
Nesting was a logical solution that saved me money
The girls' father rented a small place nearby while I chose to live with my mother when I wasn't with the kids. This allowed me to save up an emergency fund and build a flexible income while living in Mexico. While there were some things about my living situation that weren't ideal, it was financially realistic. It worked well for my mother, too. She welcomed spending more time with me, and being in close proximity to her helped me catch some worrisome health changes, such as severe short-term memory loss. Our new living arrangement allowed me to get her diagnosed and become her part-time caretaker.
It took a little over a year from when we first acknowledged our marriage was over to us actually officially separating. During that time, my ex and I set up some ground rules. We discussed big questions, like whether we would allow people we might date into the family home (no) or whether we would celebrate holidays as a family (yes).
We have a weekly video call with an agenda to organize everything
We agreed to check in and reach a consensus on any decisions like sleepovers or changing after-school activities, while regular hangouts and outings would be up to the parent in charge at the time. We initially agreed to email each other with summary notes and details like last meals before the switchover. At the time, we thought that would be sufficient.
After the first swap over, we learned a short email was not enough, particularly to track any ongoing issues. We decided on a weekly video call with a shared Google Doc agenda to help organize and communicate things from holiday decisions — like how to split cooking duties for Thanksgiving and our Christmas gift budget — to who has to clean the dog's ears and take out the recycling.
Nesting requires strong communication and flexibility
Within a few months, the 50-50 split started to feel untenable for my ex, who traveled often for his work as a regional director for a large hospitality firm. This was our first important lesson. We would need to be flexible and support each other to care for our family while trying to avoid built-up resentment.
I agreed to spend an extra day a week at the house. Over the next eight months, we made additional adjustments. We discussed how to split household chores and each set our own expectations regarding our kids' help around the house. Some of our decisions were more contentious than others, but keeping our focus on our girls helped us navigate the rough waters.
As we rapidly approach our two-year nesting anniversary, we've learned that communication is key to making it work. Having worked out most of the initial questions and unexpected issues, we've now replaced our weekly video calls and agendas with emails as things arise and quick concerns resolved by text message. Our kids let us know which big holidays they want to celebrate together as a family and which they prefer to split between parents. When they eventually start dating, I imagine there will be a flurry of emails and chats about this, too.
Nesting entails a lot of pre-planning and discussion, flexibility, and communication, and the willingness to embrace empathy and compromise. But I wouldn't have it any other way.