We're a gay throuple who split chores, costs, and parenting roles 3 ways — more people should consider similar arrangements

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We're a gay throuple who split chores, costs, and parenting roles 3 ways — more people should consider similar arrangements
Mitch Rolam, Ben Rodriguez, and Benjamin Rolam with Tegan.Mitch, Benjamin, and Ben Rolam
  • Ben, Mitch, and Benjamin are a gay throuple raising an 18-month-old.
  • They live together in Los Angeles and split chores, parenting, and costs.
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This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Mitch Rolam, 37, Benjamin Rolam, 35, and Ben Rodriguez Rolam, 38, a Los Angeles throuple — or a relationship between three people.

This essay has been edited for length and clarity. Insider verified their adoption, marriage, and employment details.

So here are the three of us: Mitch works in finance, Ben works for a beauty company, and Benjamin owns an e-commerce business and runs a store.

Two of us, Ben and Mitch, had been together for 14 years before we met Benjamin on the Atlantis gay cruise in February 2019. All three of us got ceremonially married in Kauai, Hawaii, in September that same year. At the same time, two of us — Benjamin and Mitch — also got legally married.

We're all parents to our 18-month-old daughter, Tegan, whom we adopted last year. We're expecting our second child in December through surrogacy. Our family lives together in our home in Los Angeles.

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While our family looks different from most, our challenges are similar to those of most two-parent families.

Here's a look into what parenting with three dads looks like and why we think more people should consider similar arrangements.

We all contribute to our family finances, proportionate to our income

We're a gay throuple who split chores, costs, and parenting roles 3 ways — more people should consider similar arrangements
A family picture.Mitch, Benjamin, and Ben Rolam

With rising inflation and the increasing cost of living, we think polyamorous relationships will be something that more people look at.

Having three incomes, three parents to tend to our kid, and three minds to set goals makes us so much stronger than couples.

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For example, when it comes to parenting, we take shifts.

We take turns with who gets up in the middle of the night when Tegan wakes up. The same person does the mornings with her, which means feeding her breakfast, doing the diapers, and handling her playtime — so that the other two get two nights of sleep.

This is huge for the first six months, when you don't get to sleep often because your baby's awake every two to three hours. Sleeping two nights in a row isn't doable for many new parents.

We split our chores between us, too: Ben does more of the cooking, while Benjamin does more of the yard work.

Our parenting styles are different

We're a gay throuple who split chores, costs, and parenting roles 3 ways — more people should consider similar arrangements
A group picture at Tegan's first birthday party.Mitch, Benjamin and Ben Rolam

Ben is the more playful one with Tegan — he's the one that makes her laugh. Mitch is the motherly one who is most in tune with her health, food, and how much sleep she gets. Benjamin is the practical one, who loves showing her activities and essentials such as walking downstairs and getting out of bed.

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We get to be different things to Tegan — even when we're bickering over how much noise we should allow Tegan to make.

The important thing is that we're aligned on the things we grew up with. This means we're on the same page about things we wish could've been different in our upbringing — including the kind of support we needed to become who we are.

Ultimately, we wouldn't recommend jumping into a throuple just because you saw an article or YouTube video about it.

Becoming a throuple means you have to understand two people at a time, and you need to take time to know their triggers and wants. It's a journey that's going to involve a lot of hiccups and uncomfortable moments.

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