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When I came out as transgender, my wife admitted she wasn't attracted to me anymore. Our marriage is over, but we still love each other.

Gabbi Tuft   

When I came out as transgender, my wife admitted she wasn't attracted to me anymore. Our marriage is over, but we still love each other.
  • After more than 20 years of marriage, I came out as trans to my wife.
  • She supported me but later said she was no longer attracted to me.

My wife Priscilla and I were childhood sweethearts who got married in 2002. After more than 20 years of marriage, we are separated and getting a divorce.

I came out to her as transgender in September 2020, and that marked the beginning of the end of our relationship.

The most surprising thing about this situation is that it's OK. Priscilla and I are still the best of friends, she lives five minutes away, comes over all the time, and we text and talk constantly.

While our story might not look like a fairy tale you would see in the movies, it's still a fairy tale — just a different kind.

It was freeing finally telling my wife I'm transgender

The day I came out as trans to my wife was simultaneously the worst day of my life and the most freeing day of my life.

I had reached a point where I became incredibly depressed over the thought of not being able to transition and live my life as a woman. After all, I was a behemoth of a man at the time. One day in September 2020, I was contemplating suicide, and had Priscilla not chosen to talk to me about transitioning, I don't think I would have survived the night.

Priscilla came to me and asked if I had something I wanted to talk to her about. She'd already guessed that I wanted to transition and not because I had ever told her; she instinctively knew months before I had come to terms with it. She comforted me and reassured me this was a safe space to talk, and she put her arm around me. It took me several minutes to choke out the words, but when I did, I said, "If I can't live my life as a woman, I don't want to continue living."

She looked me in the eyes and lovingly said, "I know. I love you and we're going to figure this out together."

At that moment, I felt as if the chains around my soul were broken and I was finally free to live life authentically.

Our relationship began to change

Shortly after I began hormone-replacement therapy, Priscilla came to me and gently said that she wasn't feeling attracted to me physically anymore. I empathized with her, understanding that she had married a big, strong, masculine alpha male and was still attracted to that type of man. I was losing muscle mass quickly, my features were feminizing, and my actions and expressions were quickly becoming more feminine.

Our deep love for one another was still there, but the physical attraction she once felt was dwindling. We mutually put this part of our relationship aside and focused on the emotional connection we had. We also freed ourselves to see other people and explore our options, knowing that our time as a married couple was limited.

Priscilla moved out in October of 2021, and it was difficult. I struggled with feelings of loss, abandonment, and overwhelming sadness.

We also faced periods of mistrust. In one case, we didn't speak to each other for almost a month. The turning point was when a good friend of our family, a mentor of mine, finally sat me down and told me, "It's no longer about you. It's no longer about Priscilla. It's about your daughter, so swallow your pride and do whatever it takes."

I knew in my soul he was right. That day, I drove to Priscilla's apartment with chocolates and candy and knocked on her door. She agreed to talk and expressed the deep pain she was feeling. I opened my heart and felt empathy for everything she was experiencing and expressing.

This was the pivotal moment we realized we could begin trusting each other again. We pulled apart our emotions. The more we stayed rooted in reality and understood we weren't alone, the easier it became.

Ever since, we've worked on rekindling the deep friendship that brought us together in the first place. We put our pride aside and remembered all of the love and amazing times we've shared, letting go of the negative moments in the past and choosing a path of happiness.

Priscilla and I still love each other even if we aren't married anymore

Love transcends marriage. Just because our marriage dissolved doesn't mean Priscilla and I don't love each other. Her every movement, the way she speaks, and how she cares for others has always inspired me. That's not going to change just because we're no longer married.

Priscilla has also provided comfort and guidance, teaching me those little secrets many women learn from their mothers, like what to keep in their purses, fashion tips, and — on a deeper level — how to process events and their corresponding emotions with love and grace.

Priscilla and I still have the kind of deep, twin-flame love that people search for their whole lives, and we share an incredible daughter.

In the end, going through this process, as difficult as it may have been, was the best thing we could have done for each other. My story isn't what I thought it would be, but it's still a fairy tale.

Gabbi Tuft is an online personal fitness and nutrition coach. She has coached more than 1,500 clients over the past 13 years. She specializes in helping women break cyclical behavioral patterns for long-lasting, sustainable weight loss and physique changes. For more information, visit www.coachgabbi.com.


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