scorecardWhen my older boyfriend and I started having sex with other people, it was a strange and rocky start. Now, we're happier than ever.
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When my older boyfriend and I started having sex with other people, it was a strange and rocky start. Now, we're happier than ever.

Edson Montenegro   

When my older boyfriend and I started having sex with other people, it was a strange and rocky start. Now, we're happier than ever.
LifeScience4 min read
Edson Montenegro is in an open relationship.    Tanner Abel
  • I never thought I'd be in an open relationship, but then I met my boyfriend, Bosch.
  • After falling in love, I felt safe enough to open our relationship. Our first threesome was awkward.

I come from a very traditional Latin American family. Growing up, the formula for a relationship was made clear to me: one man + one woman = one happy, monogamous relationship.

My equation on the other hand varied slightly because I'm as gay as a Lady Gaga Chia Pet. For me, the equation looked more like this: one Edson + one other gay person around my age = one happy, monogamous relationship.

But all of my family's standards and my own expectations went out the window when I got into a relationship with Bosch — who, at 36, is 10 years older than me.

Over a year later, we're now in a nonmonogamous relationship that's solid and beautiful. Not once did I think I'd find myself in an open relationship — let alone happy in one. But after a rocky start and perfecting our communication, I've never been happier.

Bosch and I met on Fire Island a year and a half ago

I call him Bosch because we met after I coquettishly asked him to help me work a Bosch dishwasher in a Fire Island rental. For the record, I completely knew how to use it; I just wanted a reason to talk to him.

He later told me that after meeting me for the first time, he considered me an "instant no" — as in he had no interest in me. I guess that's what I get for asking, "Hey, I just ordered these new Kenneth Cole undies. Are my balls popping out?" when we first met.

However, sharing playlists has a funny way of connecting people. Bosch and I spent a whole day on the beach together, handing his Bluetooth speaker back and forth for hours. We had more in common than we thought. He played Jazmine Sullivan; I rapped every Megan Thee Stallion song to ever exist. I left Fire Island on Tuesday, he left on Wednesday, and our first date was on Thursday.

Months later, an honest conversation in an Italian restaurant changed everything

"So, what turns you on?" asked Bosch.

By that point, we'd talked about a lot — my sobriety, his divorce, our families. But something about the way he looked at me that night made me feel safe.

"Can I be honest?" I asked.

"Of course."

I fidgeted and stared at my meatballs. "Honestly, there's something really hot about the idea of watching you get banged by someone else."

He fidgeted and stared at his gnocchi. "Same here."

Admittedly, I was prepared to answer his question with something generic like "big hands." But I was falling in love with him. He wanted to know every part of me — even the fantasies that had been collecting cobwebs. Sitting in front of me was someone to whom I felt like I could tell everything.

My excitement built throughout the meal. I sincerely thought that sharing what actually turned me on would end up with me crying on Second Avenue with marinara sauce on my face. But as it turns out, we aligned on pretty much everything. We loved the idea of putting on a little show for one another. We teased the idea of swapping sexy pictures or videos with our hookups.

Honesty unlocked a door that I never knew was locked in the first place. Now that the door swung open, it was time for us to walk through it together — even though I was utterly petrified.

I quickly learned the scientific method is not just for middle-school biology class; it also applies to threesomes

Our first threesome was one of the most atrocious things I've ever experienced. Yeah, it's hot to say you want to see your boyfriend get porked by a daddy who's two days back from an ayahuasca trip in Costa Rica. It's a totally different thing to do it.

There were some moments that were picturesque; I mean, Bosch is just a human work of art. But, annoyingly, some mischievous seeds started to grow in my little Lady Gaga Chia Pet head. Seeds that said, "You're not good enough. You pale in comparison to his ex-husband. You're only 26. You haven't been a top long enough!"

When we left the daddy's apartment, Bosch grabbed my hand and locked eyes with me. Something about the way he looked at me that night made me feel safe. He has that effect. It wasn't the daddy he went to bed with that night; it was me. And all my insecurities disappeared.

That night, we learned that each hookup will feel like a science experiment. Some projects will be flops, where I get a participant's certificate; others will be fabulous, where we get a first-place ribbon.

Openness, to me, is all about trial and error.

Since then, we've created an open relationship that works for us

Every open relationship looks different, and ours is founded on transparency and vulnerability.

We decided that we always have to ask before hooking up with someone. We also make it clear when we're not in the right mindset to hear about the other's escapades. Sleepovers are never allowed. Most importantly, we prioritize our time as a couple above an ancillary hottie.

We have rules and boundaries in place to ensure that, at the end of the day, our relationship is secure.

Of course, there's jealousy; it's a normal thing. After all, my boyfriend is boning somebody else with and/or without me. However, I'm also boning other people with and/or without him. But we make sure to stay open and transparent with each other.

Every relationship takes work, and an open relationship is no different

But I can definitively say that no matter the flop or first-place ribbon, the best part is coming home to a man I love.

Bosch and I say the same mantra all the time: "Sex is additive." He's 36 and looks good as hell; I'm 26 and equally snackable. We're both in the prime of our lives and intend to live it to the fullest — together.

Do you identify as part of an LGBTQ community and have an interesting or unique story about the queer experience that you'd like to share? Please email