Unattended children will be given espresso and a free kitten sign, $12.99 Perfect for that friend who owns a cafe and just can't figure out how to deal with the unbridled children of their caffeine-fiend clientele. The Screaming Goat book and figure, $7.55 If they still can't get enough of that Screaming Goat video on YouTube, this is as blood-curdling — and annoying — as you might imagine. Trust me, I have one on my desk. My colleagues love me.Blinker Fluid, $6.95 We can all think of someone who this is for. Maybe they'll get the message now.3-Inch Miniature Violin Replica (with case), $11.98 Sorry, no pony this year, either, kiddo. Play it, momma.Extreme Chores: Motion Controlled Video Game (empty box), $7.49 For little Lord Fauntleroy. Yeah, maybe coal didn't quite get the message across, but this ought to do the trick. Note that this box comes empty, so you can also fill it with coal, if you so please.Custom Photo Face Socks, $15.59 Put the mug of their best friend (or worst enemy) on a pair of socks. Either way, they'll wear them. Trust us.What If? Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions, $11.49 Great coffee table (or commode) material for the coveter of useless information.Toddler Tamers (gag kit), $7.99 Parents, rejoice!Ben & Jerry's Euphori-Lock Ice Cream Lock, $24.19 For the stingy one who'll never share their ice cream.I Could Pee on This: And Other Poems by Cats, $9.89 For your friend, family member, or housemate who's just a little too in love with their feline and could stand a reality check.Muffler Whistles, $8.79 To the know-it-all mechanic(s) in your life: Fix this!Potato Pal, $17.99 Your face on a potato. How could they not savor this forever and ever?(Fake) Rattlesnake Eggs, $7.99 Best delivered incubator-warm.Death Wish Coffee Co. Coffee, $19.99 We only hope they'll get this is a gag. Ravensburger Puzzle, $15.68 Something to finally stump that very special whiz kid you know.Remote-Controlled Scorpion, $15.99 Have the remote handy for when they open this one; it'll work a lot better.Relative Insanity Party Game, $14.16 Think Cards Against Humanity, but for some wholesome fun for the whole family.Roto Wipe Personal Cleansing Wheel, $7.99 So they'll finally stop pestering you for that exorbitant bidet thing they all love so much over in Europe. (Note: This is just an empty box in which to wrap your real gift.)How Not to Become a Crotchety Old Man, $6.39 Dear Dad (or Grandpa)...Snittens, The Original Snot Mittens, $19.99 One side for snot, the other for tears. Maybe after receiving this, they'll stop wiping their nose on their sleeve, or their bare hands. Probably not. Either way, they actually work!Toilet Golf, $9.95 If their Golf Digest subscription just isn't cutting it on long trips to the john anymore, they can always stand to work on their short game.