There was no reason to be worked up about making it all perfect — there is no perfection with kids. Life with babies is messy. I would screw up, my kid would not be perfect, and it would all work out.
Being anxious did not help anything. Instinct would have kicked in better without the worrying. Sounds ridiculously simplistic, but read on, and I'll tell you how I would have accomplished this.
I read up on all things baby — milestones, feeding, bonding — you name it and I read it. Instead, I should have spent more time around people with kids, especially ones with more than one kid. Their relaxed attitude would have taught me to stress less and trust my instincts more.
Seeing other people imperfectly parenting through difficult situations is a huge confidence-builder. Dinner with the mother of three whose little one just did number two on his brother because the diaper wasn't on right — hilarious, appetite-suppressing, and a fabulous example of a good mom screwing up. I wish I had done more of this before I gave birth.
I was in pain, really bad pain that lasted through eight months of my two years of breastfeeding. Looking back, everyone may have been better off if I had relaxed and tried some formula.
I was happy to have fed a bouncing baby to the point where he was a huge butterball, and yes, I think breast milk is better. But what was the cost? I was in such pain that I think my misery may have rubbed off on my child — would he have been better off with a happier, less-stressed mom and some fancy formula? We'll never know, but I look back and think the trade-off may not have been worth it.
Again, a product of my anxious condition — I was overprotective of my baby. The second he cried, I was there giving him what would calm him. When he tried to do something and couldn't, I stepped in and helped.
Now I watch my second child fumble to learn physical coordination and cry to learn to feel her emotions and realize that practice makes better. If you do everything for a kid, they never have the physical experience of learning through sensations and failure. I did not figure this out with my first kid, and he missed out on a lot of learning. Plus, I hovered. And I am still hovering because he learned that mom can do anything.
I stayed home with my kid and didn't go back to earning money. I did get a PhD and write a book, but I didn't figure out how to make money while also being responsible for a baby. Ten years later, I think about all the time I missed — investing in myself, my confidence, and my workplace skills — by dropping out for so long. I wish I hadn't lost all those years. I think I would have been a better mom to my kid if I had been more in the world myself.
Ah, but hindsight … well, you know. If I could go back in time and tell myself to let the cards fall where they may, I would have been happier and most likely, a better mom.
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