25 things every man should take out of his closet and burn

Maybe don't throw these out; just wear them only when you're in the woods.

Or fishing.

Or running for your life on a really bright day.

Otherwise, no.

First off, whatever it says, it's probably not that funny.

And unless you belong to a specific subset of hipsters — fine if that's what you're going for — you look like a child.

If you must keep your hemp jewelry, consider it a costume piece to be worn only when you take your little brother to his first Dark Star Orchestra concert.

Beanie hats are for adorable children and inclement weather. They are not a hat that an adult male should wear indoors.

No, you cannot wear your cutoff shirt to the gym. It still looks ridiculous.

It is highly unlikely that you can pull off a fedora. If you really think you can wear one, ask multiple people — some who love you, some who don't — if you're right.

You will need multiple OKs.

Since these have been put together so artfully in this picture, we'll address them both at once.

Trucker hats were popular for a dark, thankfully brief, period in American culture. We can all forget that now and move on if we all do it together.

As for beaded necklaces, they're not for grown-ups — period.

No one should wear trunks this long anymore, guys. And you should absolutely not have pockets that weigh your shorts down and turn them into super-low riders.

Get a decent pair of swim trunks that fit around the waist and hit just above the knee.

If you are a dad, that's really still not an excuse. You can do better.

See Jamie Dimon's belt? Do not wear Jamie Dimon's belt.

If you don't have important things to put in your pockets — all your pockets — do not wear these. The legs are usually unfashionably wide anyway. This goes for shorts and pants.

We're not sure when these were in style, but they now seem to occupy this vortex where fashion goes into a zombified state and continues to live on after death. Help us make it stop.

Barack Obama, yes. Chris Christie, no, no, no.

Whether the jacket is part of a suit or actual outerwear, please keep in mind that the modern man's look is more tailored.

And by "tailored," we mean it's meant to make you look slim and comfortable, not big and drowning in your own clothes.

The actual purpose of the Teva as an article of clothing remains unclear.

Are they for running? No.

Lounging on the beach? Surely there are better shoes for that.

Hiking? Wouldn't one want to go with a close-toed shoe for that?

One can come only to the conclusion that these shoes were created to embarrass whoever is wearing them.

And you don't want to embarrass yourself, do you?

This one goes out to all the guys who were wearing ties in the 1990s and are still wearing those same ties today.

Stop it.

Tie-dye T-shirts belong at children's birthday parties — where they are handmade — and the far, far recesses of your memory.

A hazy, immature, high-school memory.

I hope I'm being clear.

Nothing says "I'm an adult" like dressing like you did in 1998.

OK, wear a three-piece suit. Sure.

But the vest look is mostly over. Anything that looks natural when paired with a fedora is over.

This just screams "teen angst."

Do you still have teen angst?

Dude, you look like Guy Fieri.

While we're on the topic of flip-flops, we should mention that the Adidas single-banded sandals you wore in middle school should be long gone by now.

Yes, we know Mark Zuckerberg wears them, but let's be clear: Mark Zuckerberg cannot dress.

If you do own a pair of plastic flip-flops, you should be putting them on when your feet hit the sand at the beach, and then promptly taking them off once you leave.

That's because they are for children.

Unless you bedazzled your jeans yourself and want to show off your handiwork, there's really no reason to wear jeans with any kind of detail on the seat.

This is the male equivalent of a girl's "going out" top. It's the shirt in your wardrobe that you think makes you look as if you're ready to party.

Maybe it has some pinstripes. Maybe you think the color is awesome. Maybe it's just black —don't wear that anymore.

Whatever it is, it's probably too much. Your regular shirts should be fine enough to "go out" in. Don't try so hard.