Your uncontrollable outbursts at your partner could be a sign that you're in a seriously abusive relationship

• Reactive abuse happens when a victim lashes out against their abuser physically or verbally.
• Unlike with mutual abuse, reactive abuse only occurs after the victim is pushed to a breaking point.

Abuse in relationships –– whether verbal or physical –– might be more common than you think.

Around one-third of women and one-fourth of men experience abuse including rape, violence, or stalking by their partner.

Furthermore, around 47% of women and men report they have been emotionally abused or experienced aggression from an intimate partner.

In certain cases, abuse can lead the victim to a breaking point where they lash out. This is called reactive abuse.

What is reactive abuse?

Reactive abuse, as the name implies, is when the victim reacts to abuse by inflicting some form of abuse on their abuser, says Elizabeth Jarquin, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice and adjunct professor at Northcentral University.

Jarquin says the victim might scream, say insults, or even physically harm their abuser. The point here is that the victim is not instigating the abuse, they are reacting to prolonged abuse.

"It is important to keep in mind that when reactive abuse takes place, it is because the individual being abused is pushed to their limits. They are pushed so far that they can no longer take the abuse they are experiencing, which causes them to react," Jarquin says.

"The key is that the victim has experienced abuse long enough until they essentially explode or react," Jarquin says.

Often, it is a defense or even survival mechanism, says Katie Wenger, a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in relationships at Higher Fulfillment.

Ultimately, reactive abuse is abuse, and it's not a healthy way for a victim to respond to their abuser, even though they wouldn't normally act this way if they hadn't been pushed to their breaking point.

Moreover, the abuser can use the outburst against their victim. For example, they may flip the script and say that the victim is actually the abuser, or they will try to use it as an excuse to justify their own abuse, says Jarquin. They might even go so far as to use this as "proof" that the victim is the abuser –– not them.

Reactive abuse and abuse in general are absolutely red flags in relationships. If you're experiencing a cycle of abuse and reactive abuse, your relationship isn't necessarily automatically doomed, but it is definitely a difficult situation to navigate, Jarquin says.

Here's what you need to know about the signs of reactive abuse and how to deal with it.

What is the difference between reactive abuse and mutual abuse?

In the case of mutual abuse, both partners are consistently abusive towards one another.

"If mutual abuse is occurring, both parties are likely to repeat abusive behavior with others or outside of being abused themselves," Wenger says.

On the other hand, with reactive abuse:

• The victim has no previous abusive tendencies: The main distinguishing point between mutual abuse and reactive abuse is that if you remove the initial abuser and their behavior, the victim will not behave in any abusive way, says Wenger.
• The victim will feel guilt: The "reactive abuser" is able to acknowledge that they aren't behaving in a healthy way or behaving as themselves, Wenger says.
• The victim will never act first: "There should be an abusive episode that the initial victim experiences to cause them to immediately or somewhat immediately, react back in an abusive manner," Wenger says.

• The victim only starts being abusive after a breaking point: "When reactive abuse takes place, it is because the individual being abused is pushed to their limits. They are pushed so far that they can no longer take the abuse they are experiencing, which causes them to react," Jarquin says.

It's important to be able to tell the difference between reactive abuse and mutual abuse so that the reactive abuser does not end up falling for the narrative that they're the abuser, Jarquin says.

"If a person notices that their partner makes them react in such a big way, this is a red flag. Something is wrong with the relationship. A person can then decide what they want to do about the relationship," Jarquin says.

Signs of reactive abuse

If you are a victim of abuse, it's important to be aware of the signs of reactive abuse and how an abuser can use it against you. Here are five signs:

1. The abuser purposely antagonizes their victim

The abuser will intentionally provoke their victim, not stopping until their partner reacts angrily or has some sort of outburst, says Jarquin.

For example, they might use any of the following verbal abuse tactics until the victim snaps:

• Degrading your self worth
• Manipulating you
• Name-calling
• Threatening to leave you
• Putting you down or being condescending
• Gaslighting you

2. The abuser antagonizes you in public

While reactive abuse can certainly occur behind closed doors, an abuser may try to get it to happen outside of closed doors.

"The abuser may do this in public areas so that others will witness the reaction and mistakenly believe that the victim has a problem, is unstable, and/or is an abuser," Jarquin says.

This is an attempt by the abuser to get others on their side, making it look like they aren't in the wrong in this situation.

3. The abuser cites "proof"

When the victim finally ends up losing control and reacting to their abuser, the abuser then has the "proof" they were hoping for of the victim's alleged abuse or misbehavior, Jarquin says.

This "proof" is stories that the abuser can tell others or hold against the victim. However, in some cases, an abuser may even try to take the opportunity to record a video of the reactive abuse as more tangible proof, Jarquin says.

Furthermore, the abuser uses the proof they have of the victim reacting to justify their own abusive behaviors, says Jarquin.

4. The abuser plays the victim card

"After the individual being abused has reacted to the prolonged abuse, the abuser will then flip the script and label themselves the victim," Jarquin says.

One example of this would be if an abuser has been physically aggressive and controlling throughout the whole duration of the relationship, and the victim has always stayed quiet so as to not make things worse.

But one day after months of dealing with this, if the abuser grabs the victim and starts insulting them and the victim pushes them away, causing them to fall, and yells at them, this is an instance where the abuser would play the victim card and claim their partner is abusive, says Jarquin.

This can affect the victim because the abuser may go and tell their partner's friends or family about what happened, making them think the other is actually the primary abuser, or even call the police to report the behavior.

How to deal with reactive abuse

If you don't take action, it's highly likely that these unhealthy relationship patterns will continue for the duration of the relationship, becoming increasingly dangerous, Wenger says.

To disengage and break the cycle, try the following:

1. Develop awareness: Wenger says you should try to be aware of when conflict is occurring for the sake of arguing or "baiting" reactive behavior, versus actually trying to resolve a real conflict.

2. Get in touch with your feelings: Take note of how you feel physically and emotionally. "If you feel anger or stress internally escalating during a conflict or in reaction to statements from your partner, leave the situation if possible," Wenger says.

3. Relieve your stress: When you remove yourself from the situation, try to do something soothing or comforting. Wenger suggests:

• Deep breathing
• Meditation
• Journaling

4. Don't lose your sense of self: Sadly, abuse can take a toll on your overall well-being. Be sure to engage in activities that confirm your identity and a positive view of yourself, Wenger says.

5. Talk to someone you trust: After dealing with a fight or abuse, you may want to reach out to someone you trust to process your feelings and voice your concerns rather than reacting to your partner, Wenger says. This can prevent giving your abuser the satisfaction of you reacting to them, and them getting that "proof."

6. Work with a therapist: "Individual therapy is important to process your emotions, gain professional support, and maintain your sense of self," Wenger says. If possible, asking your partner to attend therapy so they can address their unhealthy behaviors can be very beneficial. Of course, couples' therapy is a great option, too.

Insider's takeaway

Reactive abuse is when a victim reacts to their abuser's behavior once they've reached their breaking point, which may involve them insulting, yelling at, or hurting their partner.

Ultimately, this is a vicious cycle with potential for danger. If you are a victim of abuse, Wenger says it's important to let someone know what's happening, whether it's a trusted loved one, friend, family member, or healthcare professional. Don't suffer in silence.

If you need immediate assistance, don't hesitate to reach out to a domestic violence hotline for support and resources.