The Unofficial Goldman Sachs Guide To Surviving Valentine's Day

I won't lie. I love Valentine's Day.

It's not because I am some hopeless romantic or benevolent lover who finds pleasure in making other people happy. In fact, the day itself can be pretty tedious, and certainly the commercial aspects are rather tacky and vulgar.

But Valentine's Day is a game. And like all things in life, I don't want to lose.

Most women love Valentine's Day, or at least realize that it's something they are supposed to pretend to care about. And it doesn't really matter if it's the result of competitive peer pressure, societal expectations, or maybe even genuine love-if this day is important to them, then it's important to me… that I not lose.

I'm going to take control, eviscerate her expectations, transcend all of her benchmarks (this ain't her first rodeo), and vanquish any would-be suitors with a ferocity and conviction that makes her believe, with much adoration, that I actually give a damn.

So… here are some fairly simple, yet definitive and strong words of advice on ensuring a victorious Valentine's Day.

Stay at home on the big night.

• Prix fixe menus are bulls--t. If I wanted a complimentary glass of champagne, I'd board my Virgin Atlantic flights 5 minutes earlier.
• Besides, her menu won't have any prices on it. How's she going to know how much she's supposed to… appreciate the evening?

#1: The waiter gave her the menu without the prices on it.
#2: Now that f--ker owes you a beej.

• Instead, line up a thoughtfully prepared home-cooked meal at your place. Focus on the booze, a meal within your culinary comfort zone, and a classic romantic movie.
• Don't bother with "Out of Africa." Although it's the manliest chick flick of all time, it'll also put her to sleep, especially if you've done your job and she's a little bit tipsy (drunk).
• Go for "Coming to America" if she's in her 30s, and "50 First Dates" if she's in her 20s, only has two stamps in her passport, and they both say "Cancun."

Celebrate the extravagant restaurant meal the night before, or the night after.

• It's less crowded.
• You won't get price-gouged.
• You get to avoid the 3,000-calorie, 8-course prix fixe meal that turns into the most ironic c--kblock in history three hours later, when she falls asleep too soon.
• And… You can probably expense it.

Always send flowers to her office.

• Under normal circumstances, sending flowers to the office is a terrible idea. It's like a giant neon sign that tells all of her colleagues, "Hey everybody, my Wall Street boyfriend is an a--hole and this is his lazy way of apologizing for something."
• But on Valentine's Day, chicks are hyper-competitive. Make sure it's either alive, or comes in a decent vase. Nothing is worse than forcing her to awkwardly lug home some thirsty bouquet on an evening when cabs are scarce and she's already in a hurry to get dressed up for you.

"On Valentine's Day, I send my wife flowers with a card that says 'Congratulations'."

• Have the flowers delivered before lunchtime, just so you don't have to deal with a barrage of inquisitive (irritating) mid-day calls and texts.
• Send her something she can keep in the office for a few days (or longer) to show it off.
• I'd recommend orchids. That way, she can rub it in her coworkers' faces for months to come, and it'll help ward off that piece-of-s--t, David Lindhagen.
• While you are at it, send the two hottest chicks in your office flowers from the biggest douchebag in the office. Address them both, "My Rosebud."

No spa certificates. Period.

• First of all, that's what poor people do.
• Secondly, it's not-at-all thoughtful.

#1: She wrote a poem and gave me a couples spa certificate.
#2: Cash equivalent gifts are terribly uncouth... And poems are just gay sentences.

• Going to the spa shouldn't be treated like some special occasion. She should be making spa visits on a regular basis, mostly for herself, but also for your benefit.

Forget about jewelry; opt for a romantic vacation.

• Don't get me wrong-jewelry is great. But save that for Christmas, birthdays, and for when you really screw up.
• A vacation is a gift that you get to enjoy too.
• And during the trip, she's going to be much more inclined to demonstrate her appreciation… time and time again.
• Instead of just giving her a printed out itinerary and e-ticket, go all out, and present it in something thoughtful like the perfect weekend travel bag (Valextra) or a sexy leather passport cover (Aspinal of London).
• Mix it up; things can get tricky on a repeat visit to the same go-to spot. It's unnecessarily stressful when you're with a new girl and you have to constantly pretend it's your first time there.
• I'd recommend The Ocean Club (Bahamas), Jumby Bay (Antigua), La Esperanza (Cabo), Babington House (UK), Hiiragiya (Kyoto), or Nikoi Island (Singapore).

If you're reading this on February 14th and have nothing planned… Don't sweat it. Graff is open until 6 p.m.

Finally, always remember, your performance on Valentine's Day will be seen by other women. Use this stage as an opportunity to line up other prospects.