After my divorce, talking to a college ex helped me see I'm worthy of love

• After my marriage ended, I turned to therapy and reached out to my ex from college.
• After years of thinking my anxiety was the cause of our breakup, I needed closure and contacted him.

What is it about a breakup that makes us want to dissect every serious relationship we've ever had?

The first two years after my marriage ended were full of ups and downs. I'd avoided dealing with my depression and anxiety while I was married but spent time afterward focusing on my mental health. I also did the things many newly single women do: drink heavily, spend money irresponsibly, and throw myself at people for romantic validation. But in the end, being able to walk away from a troubled marriage and know that my kids and I would be all right was freeing.

Through a lot of therapy and support from my friends and children, I was able to find balance. And I finally gained the tools I needed to cope with my anxiety and depression.

My next step was to look at my past. I wanted to know if I had always painted red flags green like I had in my marriage. I wondered if, no matter how compassionate with myself or assertive with others I became, I was doomed to let romantic partners make me feel small and disrespected. I needed to know that I was worthy of a healthy, mutually respectful relationship. The first — and turns out only — person I contacted was Max, my college boyfriend. [Editor's note: Max's name has been changed to protect his privacy.]

I blamed my anxiety for our breakup but it turned out to be something else entirely

One night in January 2022, I had a few drinks and sent him a message on Facebook. "You came up in conversation the other day talkin' to my college folk. Hope you're doin' ok. You were a sweet guy when I knew you. Hope life has been kind and COVID hasn't hurt your loved ones. Shoot me a message sometime, man. Peace."

I promptly fell asleep and forgot I had even messaged him. A few weeks later, he replied. "Hey Jeni! I just saw this. I hope you're doing well. I'm not on Facebook much, and it seems like they change how it works every time I log in, but I'll go ahead and send you a friend request on here. We should catch up sometime."

After messaging a few more times over Facebook, we switched platforms and exchanged numbers. We started texting, and after a call where we covered the general niceties, I dove in headfirst and asked if he remembered anything about how our relationship ended. For years, I had blamed its demise on my heightened anxiety. I reminded him that whenever he would say something like, "We need to talk" or "Can I ask you something?", it would set my mind spinning. I would cringe, assuming the worst was coming.

It turned out Max didn't remember my anxiety as much as I had. In his mind, his own mental-health struggles — which I never knew about — led to our breakup. He'd been going through a rough time then and felt he wasn't emotionally available, so he decided the kindest thing was to let me go.

When he told me that, I almost dropped the phone. I couldn't believe I had obsessed over my behavior in our relationship, continuously revisiting how it ended. It was like a litmus test that I used to measure every relationship that followed. I felt embarrassed for not asking him sooner.

Six months after our breakup, I had stopped pining for Max. But over the years, I occasionally wondered if my life would have turned out differently if I had been different in our relationship. He was my first real relationship, after all, so I compared all my relationships to ours.

I didn't bring these thoughts up to him, though. I realized I had put much more weight on his importance to my story than was necessary. It's funny to be able to look back at my past from mentally stable ground and a place of contentment. We had a six-month relationship when I was about 20 years old, and it seems rather insignificant now.

Closure gave me the confidence to move on

I learned I had crossed Max's mind over the years, but he was now happily married. From what he told me about how they met and where they were in life, she sounded like the perfect match for him. Through our conversation, he didn't just offer me clarification and catharsis, he allowed me to experience compersion: that sympathetic joy we feel for somebody else, even when their positive experience does not involve or benefit us directly.

After Max and I had talked, I got the gumption to join the dating site Hinge. While this was partly thanks to our conversation, it was also fueled by the self-love and coping skills I had developed, as well as the realization that I was, in fact, lovable and deserved to be with someone kind.

I created a list of what I would never tolerate again and what I was looking for in a partner. As is unfortunately common at first, I matched with some men who sent lewd messages or weren't looking for the same things I wanted, but eventually, I got my settings right and got a few matches who were more my speed. Finally, I answered a message from a man who looked like Bjorn Ironside from the show "Vikings."

He was a mechanic, loved the great outdoors, and took beautiful nature pictures. We went on a date, and four months later, we moved in together. Six months after that, we got engaged while hiking at Great Falls Park in Maryland. We're planning our wedding for next fall. If I hadn't struck up that conversation with Max, I don't think I would have been able to be so clearheaded about what I was looking for.

Our conversation showed me I'm right where I belong

Knowing that my anxiety wasn't the cause of my breakup with Max allowed me to let go of the notion that I was "unlovable," which I'd been harboring since I was 20. My relationship with Max was my first big one, and it was my first big breakup; my perspective on how it ended created a pattern of self-blame, martyrdom, and a lack of self-worth that lasted for 20 years.

While it doesn't explain how my other relationships ended, it makes me wonder how many other people would find someone to love if they didn't allow themselves to get hung up on previous relationships. That being said, I wouldn't change a thing, because I now have two kids I love and the understanding that I'm right where I belong, with the right person.

Going through my divorce compelled me to get certifications as a relationship and intimacy coach and as a sex coach. Furthermore, hashing out my brief college relationship helped me become the genuinely satisfied and self-assured woman I am today.

Max and I discovered we live in the same city, only a few miles away from each other. Not knowing how long I would stay in that city after the divorce was finalized, I asked if he would be interested in meeting up. We made a plan to meet soon by my firepit so I could introduce him to my kids and my fiancé and he could introduce me to his wife. One of these days, we'll have that night, and I'll give him a big hug to thank him.