- You should be honest with your father about your feelings and needs. To do that, reflect on what gifts and money symbolize for you.
- Use "I" statements when speaking with your dad and offer new ways to interact so he can try to meet your needs.
- If your father continues to ignore your needs or can't meet them, you can set a boundary to protect your mental peace.
Editor's note: I've been writing
Dear Julia,
My mom passed away three months ago, leaving my 80-year-old step-dad. They have been supporting my disabled sister completely for 30 years, buying her a house, car, paying all her bills, and giving her $400 a week. They also support my cousin from the UK who has overstayed his visa for 7 years.
Since my dad takes care of my sister, I do everything for Dad. I made him $25,000 doing an estate sale, not asking for a penny, paid for mom's headstone and flowers, and organized her funeral. I paid for his ticket to visit me for
My sister is very demanding and often asks for extra money and items. Dad told me he gave my sister and cousin $500 each for Christmas. On Christmas, after I gave him his gifts, he announced he had nothing for me! I was shocked and very hurt. He is quite well-off and money is not an issue.
Do you think I'm being too sensitive? Should I tell him how I feel? I'm having a hard time dealing with the hurt.
- Texas
Dear Texas,
I can understand the hurt you feel from being excluded, especially at such a gift-filled time of year.
Gift-giving and
Understand what money and gifts mean to you, then express that
Before you approach your dad, reflect on what receiving money or gifts from a loved one means to you.
According to Gregg, the importance of a gift tends to symbolize more than its monetary value, so understanding how you look at it can help you pinpoint the needs you'd like to communicate.
For example, when you gave your dad money to help him during a hard time, that could symbolize your love for him. And perhaps you wanted him to show you that appreciation in return.
"This is often what we're searching for, and we use symbols throughout our day to communicate these things," Gregg told me.
Once you understand why your dad's lack of gifts stung so much, express that to him. It's the only way he can understand your needs and potentially meet them, according to Gregg.
To do that, use "I" statements to explain the behavior you noticed around gift-giving and then describe how it made you feel.
You could say something like, "Dad, I noticed you gave my sister and cousin Christmas gifts, but I didn't get a gift from you. I felt unappreciated and unloved because for me, those gifts represent those sentiments."
Finally, offer a solution that would allow your father to meet your needs. You could ask that your family discusses holiday gifts before gathering to make sure everyone feels loved and accounted for. Maybe you'd prefer to receive love from your dad in different ways, like through phone check-ins or supportive text messages.
If your dad continues the behavior, set a boundary to protect your peace
After having this difficult conversation, Gregg suggested setting your expectations since it's unlikely your dad will change his behavior overnight. Take note of small changes, and consider ways to improve your
There's also a chance your father won't understand or tend to your needs after you share them. If that's the case, you can set a boundary with him.
If you notice he continues to offer your other family members gifts but ignores you, you could tell him how you'll change you behavior accordingly. For example, you could say you won't attend future holiday gatherings if his behavior continues.
Though uncomfortable, it's important you protect your mental well-being in ways you can control, Gregg told me.
"Setting a boundary like this with a family member does not mean abandoning the relationship, not at all. However, it does adjust the dynamic so that her needs can be fulfilled in healthier environments, rather than trying to find it in a place it might not exist," he said.
As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of
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